keeping up with the kardashians

Everything Kim K Has to Look Forward to Now That She’s 35

Birthday queen.
Birthday queen. Photo: Splash News/Corbis

Today is October 21 in the year 35 A.K. (After Kim), better known as Kim Kardashian’s 35th birthday. In her 35 short years on planet Earth, Kim has managed to accomplish what many women strive for: Having It All. She’s got a lucrative career as a lifestyle-brand entrepreneur; a fulfilling family life with a loving husband, adorable daughter, and another heir to the throne on the way; hordes of adoring friends, family, and fans; and, most important, huge boobs.

So, what does an accomplished woman like Kim K have to look forward to after she turns 35? For starters, she’ll experience a decrease in fertility in tandem with an increased risk of a host of health problems, such as high blood pressure, heart disease, and obesity. She’ll no longer be a shoo-in for promotions, since those are likelier to go to younger candidates (like Kendall and Kylie), and in a couple of years, her pay growth will peak. She’ll now start to earn 80 percent of what Kanye makes, a lower percentage than what women in their 20s make. Wrinkles will appear with more frequency, so she’ll probably have to step up those vampire facials, and it’s about to get a lot harder to lose weight. She’ll no longer be part of the 18 to 34 demographic most coveted by advertisers for their cultural savvy and buying power. Suddenly, her Google ads will become a shrine to faulty bladders. (Depends underwear are sexy now.) Soon, she will become invisible.

Happy 35th birthday, Kim!

What Kim K Can Look Forward to Now That She’s 35