Justin Bieber, It’s Time to Put Away Childish Games: Enough With the Skateboarding

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Biebs and the board. Photo: Craig Barritt/Getty Images

The man, the myth, the dirtbag — née Justin Bieber, Prince of the Well-Endowed — turns 22 years young today. While on other days of the year, he’d probably be preoccupied with crying through live performances, not-not-dating Hailey Baldwin, or getting a few new regrettable tattoos, we can guess what the sprightly Canadian is up to today to celebrate his virgin birth. Skateboarding, grinding the gnar, shreddin’ some pipes. Wherever the Bieber goes, he goes with his trusty skateboard in hand. To ride on, to comfort him, to give him wheels in a wheel-less world. A man has to get around somehow, comprende? Why wouldn’t he be doing a celebratory kickflip on today of all days, the day of the birth of the Biebs himself?

But Bieber, star though he may be when singing his tiny heart out and body-grinding his thin frame, is certainly no Tony Hawk on the board. He does not even faintly resemble a Z-Boy. His favorite pastime of late is calling up a horde of paparazzi to photograph him skateboarding in very public places, and it might behoove the Canuck genius to stick to what he knows best: mooning national landmarks and wearing his hair in a tiny boy-bun.

Have you ever seen this dude shred? It’s a pain for my eyes to take in, my friend. Justin Bieber, my brah, you suck at skateboarding. Happy fricking birthday.

Bieber, You’re a Man Now: No More Skateboarding