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athletics
March 1, 2016

Justin Bieber, It’s Time to Put Away Childish Games: Enough With the Skateboarding

By Dayna Evans

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Photo: Craig Barritt/Getty Images

The man, the myth, the dirtbag — née Justin Bieber, Prince of the Well-Endowed — turns 22 years young today. While on other days of the year, he’d probably be preoccupied with crying through live performances, not-not-dating Hailey Baldwin, or getting a few new regrettable tattoos, we can guess what the sprightly Canadian is up to today to celebrate his virgin birth. Skateboarding, grinding the gnar, shreddin’ some pipes. Wherever the Bieber goes, he goes with his trusty skateboard in hand. To ride on, to comfort him, to give him wheels in a wheel-less world. A man has to get around somehow, comprende? Why wouldn’t he be doing a celebratory kickflip on today of all days, the day of the birth of the Biebs himself?

But Bieber, star though he may be when singing his tiny heart out and body-grinding his thin frame, is certainly no Tony Hawk on the board. He does not even faintly resemble a Z-Boy. His favorite pastime of late is calling up a horde of paparazzi to photograph him skateboarding in very public places, and it might behoove the Canuck genius to stick to what he knows best: mooning national landmarks and wearing his hair in a tiny boy-bun.

Have you ever seen this dude shred? It’s a pain for my eyes to take in, my friend. Justin Bieber, my brah, you suck at skateboarding. Happy fricking birthday.

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1 / 11 Photos
Uh, broham? You're supposed to ride the skateboard, not have one of your minions carry it. Classic rookie mistake. Photo: GVK/Bauer-Griffin/Gett... Uh, broham? You're supposed to ride the skateboard, not have one of your minions carry it. Classic rookie mistake. Photo: GVK/Bauer-Griffin/Getty Images
Oh, sure, tell a bunch of paparazzi to show up just as you're quietly nailing the Rich Boy Slide-On Reverse Tired Exit Skid. That'll really show us ho... Oh, sure, tell a bunch of paparazzi to show up just as you're quietly nailing the Rich Boy Slide-On Reverse Tired Exit Skid. That'll really show us how good at skateboarding you are — NOT. This trick is the first thing you learn. My 10-year-old brother could do it in his sleep, and blindfolded. Photo: Splash News
"Hey, come back here. I promise not to suck so much this time!" Photo: INFphoto.com/Splash News
Wow, this is embarrassing. While it's clear from this image that Justin is trying to pull off a trick called the Double Leather Grind, it seems he's t... Wow, this is embarrassing. While it's clear from this image that Justin is trying to pull off a trick called the Double Leather Grind, it seems he's taken the "leather" part to heart, and is wearing a pair of leather pants instead of just flipping the nose of his board over a green fern, as you're supposed to. Yikes. It's just a name, Justin. Surely you know that by now? Photo: MGoetz/Splash News
Too dark to skateboard. Duh. Photo: Karadshow/Splash News
FML. He can't even put on a shirt correctly. Photo: 247PAPS.TV/Splash News
The trick Justin is attempting here is clearly not within his wheelhouse. Everyone knows you aren't supposed to extend your arms out like a condor, ma... The trick Justin is attempting here is clearly not within his wheelhouse. Everyone knows you aren't supposed to extend your arms out like a condor, man! Get it together. Photo: Stefan Hoederath/Getty Images
There is literally no way to tell which trick Bieber is attempting here. Don't lose your day job, buddy. Photo: madmax/Splash News
What the hell are you trying to do, brother — surf?? Photo: Newspix/Getty Images
And this? Does that look like a skateboard to you, Bieber? Where did you even learn to skate, the idiot store? Photo: INFphoto.com/Splash News
A kickflip while talking into a microphone? Get a grip! I can't even watch! Photo: Jeff Kravitz/Getty Images
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Tags:

  • justin bieber
  • skateboarding
  • athletics
  • slideshow
  • fame
  • love and war
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