deal breakers

Helpful Man Warns Us in Advance Not to Sleep With Him

I’m sure we can all think of a time when we were ‘bout to get down with a new sexfriend and they revealed some sort of horrible deal-breaker that made us stop, hand them their pants, and ask them to kindly leave the bedchamber and never return.

Maybe it was “I don’t want to bone to Drake,” or “I’m a huge Pats fan,” or “I’m a vegan.” Or maybe they revealed that they share the policy expressed by writer William Lloyd and will never go down on you. Ever. Under any circumstances. Just not gonna do it.

In an essay Lloyd wrote for the Tab,  titled “Why I Don’t Go Down on Girls,” he gives a lengthy explanation for why he’ll “never turn your cherry out.” He has lots of reasons — Catholicism, lack of proper sex ed, lots of porn, laziness — but it boils down to one bad oral-sex experience that “really put him off going there ever again.” (It involved female ejaculation. Sorry dude, fluids happen.)

It’s infuriating, sure, but Lloyd has done us all a favor here. Most men don’t give you that sort of foreknowledge or come with any sort of warning label; you have to find out awkwardly, sometimes when you’re already naked. But Lloyd, helpful Lloyd has done us all a favor by letting us know the reason we should not sleep with him in advance. We encourage other men to follow his brave precedent.

Helpful Man Warns Us Not to Sleep With Him