no regrets

Is This One of Oprah’s Favorite Things or a Drunk Mall Purchase?

What's in the box, Oprah? Tiny wine?
What’s in the box, Oprah? Tiny wine?

Oprah has lovingly curated her Favorite Things list for over 20 holiday seasons, but this year she’s doing things a bit differently. She’s partnered with Amazon to present a shoppable gift spread — her most “fun and versatile ever,” she says.

Obviously, I love Oprah, and for her I would buy several of these items. But in order to achieve fun versatility, Oprah has basically curated a group of products that could believably be sold on my other favorite place to shop: Drunk Mall. Because we’d all have to be slightly drunk to justify purchasing the following:

The Sweet Lady Jane Deep Dish Cherry Pie (11” Round), $54

Photo: Amazon

Drunk Rationale: I’m so hungry. So hungry — $54 for a mail-order deep-dish pie seems totally logical ‘cause I can eat it for like, three meals.

Faux Fur Pet Jacket, $39

Photo: Amazon

Drunk Rationale: If you put a furry animal in a fur coat, is it cannibalism? I’m gonna get this.

Eli’s Bread Challah Menorah, $45

Photo: Amazon

Drunk Rationale: This bread looks like a buncha dicks. I’m gonna eat it.

Teavana Oprah Chai Steep Good Thoughts Set, $71.95

Photo: Amazon

Drunk Rationale: Oprah Chai is like a hug for my esophagus. Hugs are good with rum.

American Beagle Outfitters Dog Antlers, $12.95

Photo: Amazon

Drunk Rationale: LOLOLOLL. American Beagle Outfitters, get it? I’m going to. Where’s my wine? Who took my wine.

Ernest Hemingway Elephant Book Set, $395

Photo: Amazon

Drunk Rationale: Ohmigod, I looooove elephants so much. Theyaresocuuuuuute. Are we out of wine?!

Emi-Jay Women’s Namast’ay In Bed Night Shirt, $68

Photo: Amazon

Drunk Rationale: That’s so clever right? So clever. Fuuck. Yoga. More. Wine. Oprah knows. Oprah knows.

Emu Australia Little Creatures Boots, $89.95

Photo: Amazon

Drunk Rationale: Ohmigod, I have to get these for my future child. Texts Tinder sexfriend: “Look what I just got for our future child!”

Elvie Kegel Tracker, $199

Just kidding; this one is actually from Drunk Mall. But if anybody would want us to think about our pelvic health and sexual well-being this holiday season, it’s probably Oprah.

Oprah’s Favorite Thing or Drunk Mall Purchase?