Thanksgiving is next week: It’s not only the biggest, best eating day of the year, but also signals the beginning of a blissful five-week period of holiday binge-eating, binge-drinking, and being too busy to work out.
In advance of what is commonly known as the “most wonderful time of year,” Vogue published a very helpful diet story today suggesting we all get a jump start on the inevitable January detox, a.k.a. the period when everyone signs up for a SoulCycle class package and halfheartedly attempts the South Beach diet or juicing. Vogue calls this the “pre-festive cleanse” and recommends that we start right now, before Thanksgiving, when it’s already too late.
Is this insane? Maybe! But maybe there are all sorts of other important events that we should start preemptively detoxing for. For example:
1. Thanksgiving 2016: I know Vogue says we still have time to pre-festive cleanse before this year’s holiday season, but I suspect we’re already too late. If I give up gluten, dairy, sugar, and joy today, there’s a chance I’ll stay svelte all through holiday season 2016.
2. My hypothetical wedding: I’m single and all statistics suggest I’m probably staying that way for some time. But I want to make sure I’ll be bridal-perfect for the big day when and if it comes. Best to start that juice cleanse now, so I look super-fit in those wedding photos I might never have.
3. Hypothetical post-baby weight: Conventional advice recommends not gaining too much weight during a pregnancy, the better to get your post-baby body back in an instant. Who knows if I want kids, but I might as well start that pre-pregancy diet now so I can be bikini-ready before my cesarean scars have even fully healed. That’s called foresight.
4. My retirement party: As a millennial with an internet writing job, I don’t think I’ll be retiring until after 70. That’s just enough time to cleanse long enough to make sure I leave the workforce with a bang and a sample-size dress.
5. My funeral: I’m switching to steamed cod and spinach now so that when I die, my mourners will say nice things about me, like, “She died as she lived: starving.”