So. I know that you know that Star Wars: The Force Awakens opens today. Put down the Yoda costume, we need to have a talk.
Let me start by saying: I love Star Wars. I’m very excited for this movie. I bought my ticket a month ago. I also once dressed up as Venom to take in a matinee of Spiderman 3, so am quite familiar with the irrational, regret-proof behaviors of fandom. But guys, we are self-respecting adults. We have 401Ks and well-curated vinyl collections and carefully considered footwear. We’ve worked very hard to acquire adulthood levels of chill (not unlike Luke developing control of the Force), let’s not blow it all with one overeager Instagram. There is a way to communicate, “I enjoy well-crafted movies with stunning visual effects, especially when they are set in space,” in a way that expresses excitement and dedication, without resorting to losing our damn minds. Some tips:
1. Don’t Instagram pictures of your movie tickets: Or the line you’re standing in, the seats you snagged, the giant tub of popcorn you are going to eat during the movie, the opening credits, your face obscured in darkness while you watch the movie. (No, you can’t make a Vine of your excited face either.) You wouldn’t do it if you were seeing Carol, or something. Your entire movie-going experience should stay off of social media.
2. If you have offspring please don’t do this:
Give that baby the chances you never had as a child. The chance to have some chill.
4. Once you’ve seen the movie discuss it like a human: The Force Awakens is a good movie. It’s getting good reviews. Therefore, you can discuss it with the same vocabulary you’d use to discuss any other movie you enjoyed seeing. Talk about the strong narrative, the fact that the movie has an interesting female protagonist, Rey. Discuss how hot Oscar Issac is. Anything beyond just “Lightsabers. Cool.”
5. Don’t develop agoraphobia to avoid hearing spoilers. It will be okay. You can go outside. You can read the news. You don’t have to charge at people yelling “NO SPOILERS,” like an angry rhino if you overhear them mention the movie.
6. Wait till Sunday to see it: The movie is going to be in theaters for awhile. You don’t need to skip your friend’s holiday party tonight to go see the movie on “opening night,” just be happy you got invited to a party.
7. And only see it once: It’s holiday season! There are so many movies to see. And you’re an adult with a schedule that probably doesn’t have space for repeat viewings. Just download a pirated copy and watch it on your laptop at home if you really need to watch it twice. (Bonus: You can freeze-frame on Oscar Issac’s face.)
8. Remember, ultimately, we self-improve and grow in order to be fuckable. Does this look fuckable?
9. Limit your Star Wars references after you see the movie: You get one Star Wars–related conversation per social event. And if you’re still talking about the movie more than four days after you’ve seen it, your friends are allowed to stop inviting you out.
10. And finally, do not say: “The Force Got WOKE.” To anyone. At any time.