Russell Wilson — football player, owner of two Great Danes named Prince and Naomi, born-again virgin, large goon — fulfilled the dream of many people last year when he began dating beautiful goddess singer/songwriter Ciara. The couple were almost immediately public about the fact that, despite their untoppable attractiveness, they were not — and would not be — engaging in the devilish sex act, at least not until marriage. Confusing? Yes. Fodder for incredible jokes at the expense of devout robot Christian Russell Wilson? Yes.
In keeping with the laws governing couples far and wide, Russell Wilson yesterday shared to his social feeds a photo of Ciara on #WomanCrushWednesday with the caption, “PM #WCW I kissed her & she had honey sweet lips that were lilac soft w/ a loving & affectionate personality @Ciara.” While otherwise this kind of gibberish language would indicate Wilson should not lose his day job playing football, a few inquiring minds thought his descriptions appeared a little too babbly and robotic, even for Russ.
It seems that in searching for the words to describe his beloved maiden, Wilson turned to Google for answers. Twice.
On Wilson’s Instagram earlier that same #WCW, he explained that Ciara’s “hair plunged over her shoulders & it was midnight black..,” which are exact words that Deadspin found on the same website under “describing a beautiful woman.”
Russ, my man. Don’t do this. Next time you need to Google “describing a beautiful woman,” at least come to us for help. Here, use these — we’ve got your back:
#WCW You are a hot sex woman @Ciara
My #WCW, her face is symmetrical and I touch it with love in my heart @Ciara
AM #WCW @Ciara, her resplendent shoulder is aglow with beauty, her cheek is dewy and we are in love
PM @ciara the #WCW of my dreams, kissing you feels like the kiss of a wet window