Time-Management Tools for the Truly Modern Woman

You. Photo: Uwe Umstter/Corbis

The Cut’s guide to self-improvement without spending a million dollars.

Time management is a skill that modern women must seek to possess, so that we can better attempt to win Pulitzers while raising good babies and making delicious-looking pies that photograph well even without a filter. But how can we make more hours in the day without losing our sense of chill? Will we ever find the answer to “Can women have it all?” I say yes, if you follow my easy time-management guide to success, available now at the price of free ninety-nine.

Step one: Grab a pair of very sharp scissors and cut off all your hair. All of it. You think women with jobs and babies and desires have time to brush their hair? No! Have you ever in your life encountered a successful woman whose hair was not shaved like Demi Moore’s in G.I. Jane? Please! Find the nearest pair of scissors and get to hacking.

Step two: Delete every app from your phone. Since starting to write this lesson on time management four hours ago, I have opened every single one of my apps, including Angry Birds. Imagine how productive I’d be if I had no apps at all. If you must keep one app, please make it Instagram, because what joy can be derived from living if I can’t see pics of your dogs running free in the wilderness of New Hampshire? But yes, otherwise, no more apps. Apps are a waste of your time.

Step three: Start doing tiny twitching exercises at your desk. While you are writing or lawyering or immersed in graduate study, simply twitch your body — like a steady vibration — for at least eight hours a day. Of course, 90 minutes of high-impact cardio is necessary every morning before the workday begins, but once that 90 minutes is up, that’s when you should get to twitching. Twitch and never stop.

Hair. Technology. Exercise. What else is there? Food?? I know I don’t have to say this, but do not eat.

To round out your new fulfilling life as a smart, successful, and accomplished women, there is only one last step. When you’ve come home from work, after having finished your nightly yoga practice, eaten your boiled air, and scheduled several dates with potential suitors, you may begin work on the rocket ship, the one that will send us all to Mars. Because to be a truly successful woman who manages time well, you must join your sisters in determining how best to move humankind to Mars within our lifetime for the sustainability of the human species. There are probably some preliminary blueprints you can garner inspiration from online. Don’t know astrophysics yet? Sounds like you need to make time to learn.