The headline of People’s latest look into Olivia Palermo’s style begins with an exciting admission: “Olivia Palermo Told Us How to Get Her Turtleneck Hair Tuck.” At last, the magician reveals her trick. However, just as quickly as the headline lifts you up, bringing your mind and spirit to the height of Olivia Palermo’s turtleneck hair tuck, it forces you back down to earth — “But We’re Not Allowed to Share the Secret.” Incredible.
“She gave us the scoop,” explains People, “but under one stipulation: that we not tell anyone besides our closest friends.” Intensely rude. Why did you even tell us that you know the secret at all, People? Hmm? Just to rub it in our faces?
And, one more question for you, People — are WE not your closest friends? People? I dare you to name a single friend closer to you than we are.
I am waiting.
In lieu of the secret, People offers photos of Olivia Palermo’s turtleneck tuck, inviting us to look at them “and dare to recreate them with the only tip we have permission to share: ‘Clear elastics.’” Clear elastics. What could this tip, the tip that might one day lead us to keeping our hair inside of our turtleneck after pulling it over our head rather than taking our hair out of the turtleneck and allowing it to lie on top of the turtleneck, possibly mean? We have a few guesses:
• “Clear elastics” is the third level a practitioner of Scientology can achieve on the way to personal salvation, allowing them the ability to keep their hair tucked into their turtleneck.
• Clear elastic.
Aargh. Olivia! Palermo! What’s your secret!