According to Twitter, today is Random Acts of Kindness Day, an international holiday Wikipedia calls “unofficial” and “not a holiday.” Still, Twitter is celebrating it as hard as any important holiday like National Pizza, Bagel, or Doughnut Day. BuzzFeed even released a list of small ways you can be kind, advising readers to “[not] write the angry internet comment you’re thinking of writing,” “empathize,” and “IM or email that person you’re afraid to talk to because you don’t want to ‘bother them.’”
But after resisting the urge to harass feminazi bloggers on Twitter, silently empathizing with the homeless guy I walked past on the way to work, and instant messaging “sup homie” to New York Magazine’s editor-in-chief Adam Moss, I wasn’t satisfied. Like the fundamentally good person I am, I’m sharing my list of all the ways you can be extra kind today:
1. Give someone a compliment, but make sure it’s backhanded so their ego doesn’t get too inflated. Remember, you’re doing them a favor.
2. Let a mild act of sexism go unremarked upon.
3. Go 30 minutes without subtweeting your ex.
4. Buy a teen a pack of cigarettes.
5. Clap for Jeb Bush.
6. If you see a crying child in public, calm her down and then explain to the parents how they can be better in the future.
7. Don’t just smile at strangers on the street; instead, make funny faces — the crazier the better! You’ll be the talk of the town.
8. Visit a hospice and watch death happen.
9. Send fan mail to Kelsey Grammer.
10. Leave New York City, and write an essay about why you’re doing it. Everyone wants to know!
11. Go to a hospital and volunteer to notify people of their family member’s passing. Have they died? Doesn’t matter!
12. Starve yourself as an act of solidarity for some starving person somewhere, and also because it wouldn’t hurt if you lost a pound or two.
13. Ask someone to read your screenplay.
14. Insert your opinion on a Facebook post. Any Facebook post.
15. Help someone take a selfie.
16. Make a #FingersInTheBootyAssBitch joke. It’s totally still funny!
17. Give a stranger the gift of your sweet caresses.
18. Save the environment by kinda recycling or whatever.
19. Forgive your enemies, make them think they’re safe, then feast on their blood. Self-care!
20. Buy some stuff, because in late capitalism, that is the only real way you can enact kindness.