millennial lifestyles

Millennials Literally Too Lazy to Eat Cereal

Thinking about the dishes cereal creates is exhausting!
Thinking about the dishes cereal creates is exhausting!

On Tuesday, the New York Times issued a disturbing a report: “Almost 40 percent of the millennials … said cereal was an inconvenient breakfast choice because they had to clean up after eating it.”

To the millennials who participated in this survey: What the fuck is wrong with you? Here are some valid reasons for dismissing cereal:

• It requires milk, which is extremely perishable and thus requires you to go grocery shopping frequently.

• The stuff that tastes the best is bad for you.

• The stuff that’s “good” for you, like Kashi, is literally bullshit and has more calories than marshmallow Froot Loops. *

• It’s a pretty half-assed breakfast and doesn’t compare to an egg sandwich or some pancakes.

• The furry community ruined Frosted Flakes for all of us.

• There aren’t toys at the bottom of the box anymore.

• Nothing’s been the same since they discontinued French Toast Crunch.

So, a message to my fellow millennials (and one of my roommates): Do your damn dishes, and make your nutritional decisions based off something — anything — else.

*This post has been corrected to show that Kashi Honey Almond Flax cereal has more calories than marshmallow Froot Loops, not Cap’n Crunch.