Sad, Hot Cam Newton Is Sad and Hot

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Sad, hot Cam Newton.
Sad, hot Cam Newton. Photo: Kevin C. Cox/2016 Getty Images

The Carolina Panthers lost to the Denver Broncos in Super Bowl 50 on Sunday, and nobody is more hot in their sadness about it than hot, sad Cam Newton. With his hoodie pulled up over his head the Panthers quarterback lumbered out onto the press-conference stage last night doing his best impression of your high school’s quirky emo kid. His public misery lasted a single minute before he exited the stage, assumedly to crank some Saves the Day, smoke a clove, and ponder the pointlessness of life.

“The truth, is you could slit my throat. And with my one last gasping breath I’d apologize for bleeding on your shirt.” Photo: Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images
“Your lipstick, his collar, don’t bother angel. I know exactly what goes on.” Photo: Kevin C. Cox/2016 Getty Images
“My Konstantine came walking down the stairs and all that I could do was touch her long blonde hair.” Photo: Kevin C. Cox/2016 Getty Images
“This is the first song for your mixtape and it’s short just like your temper. Somewhat golden like the afternoons we used to spend before you got too cool.” Photo: Kevin C. Cox/2016 Getty Images