Spring is a time for growth, which means out with the old and in with the new. Still stressing over the same bad skin and thick thighs? Mix up your routine by taking some of these hot new body insecurities for a spin:
1. Finger length unequal
2. Roof of mouth too concave
3. Membrane under tongue too translucent
4. Membrane under tongue not translucent enough
5. Girthy lobes
6. Nose too singular
7. Face not radially symmetric
8. Potassium deficient
9. Head and feet too far apart
10. Toes not infinite fractal of feet yielding smaller toes yielding smaller feet yielding smaller toes
11. Neck mobility less than 360 degrees
12. Strands of head hair disconnected from strands of leg hair
13. Body temperature weird
14. Cells too eukaryotic
15. Pear-shaped Golgi body
16. Unable to reproduce asexually
17. Period blood not cold-press
18. Nail beds deep, but like stoner deep
19. Moles not aligned in pattern of zodiac constellation
20. Dependent on food and water in order to look glowy and vibrant
21. Ugly when sneezing
22. Gait too many
23. Arms not hourglass-shaped
24. Taller than some, shorter than others, can’t win
25. Head does not tilt back to dispense Pez
26. Will eventually be corpse
27. The smell
