The brilliant Us Weekly series “25 Things You Don’t Know About Me” has long highlighted people in the limelight that we actually want to know a 25 additional facts about. Erykah Badu owns 726 head wraps, Yoko Ono wants to be reincarnated as a sparrow, Amanda Bynes “survived” Hurricane Sandy.
But sometimes we barely need to know one more thing about a person, let alone 25 new things. What is our burden must also be yours. Here is a short selection of things you now also must know about presidential candidate and suited Gollum Ted Cruz.
1. As a kid, I used to go bullfrogging on the lake behind our house.
Urban Dictionary defines “bullfrogging” as a sex act that requires a lot of spread-eagle thrusting and farting in one’s partner’s face. Okay.
8. I was once suspended in high school for skipping class to play foosball.
That’s somehow even worse than if he’d been suspended for skipping class to play Ultimate Frisbee.
11. My first car was a 1978 Ford Fairmont, nicknamed the Green Bomb.
Okay, buddy. Sounds really cool. Danger!
12. I’m on level 350 of Candy Crush.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my god.
But worst of all (or perhaps best?) is a helpful factoid about Cruz’s young daughters and the favorite game they like to play at birthday parties.
13. At my daughters’ [Caroline, 7, and Catherine, 5] birthday parties, their favorite game is Attack the Daddy. It’s more terrifying than you might think.
Those girls have a bright future.