There is an old Canadian proverb that goes, “Judge not a man by the length of his shirt and the circumference of the knee holes in his jeans, but by the quality of his Instagram captions and the size of his perpetually malfunctioning heart.” It’s a proverb we must remember today, when assessing the current Justin Bieber damage du jour. What has our little Canadian prairie dog been up to this week? What fresh hell hath he laid before us?
Last we left him, Bieber — the human embodiment of Drake saying “the square root of 69 is 8-something” — had decided to cancel all further meet and greets on his presumably godless Purpose tour, claiming that he had not been working hard enough on his own self-care. No duh.
But that doesn’t mean that the $2,000 his fans had paid for the opportunity to smell the Bieber musk IRL (orange soda and shorts sweat) were guaranteed to recoup their incredibly solid investment. In order to appease the richie riches who parted with their parents’ money for a chance to grope Biebs at this recent Las Vegas show, the tiny prince’s team set out cardboard cutouts for fans to slobber on instead.
You think you’re above this, but are any of us, really?