definitive rankings

The Top 10 Pettiest Moments of the 2016 Presidential Race, Thus Far

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Even America’s presidential candidates, it seems, have designated 2016 the Year of Petty. As the general election draws nearer, the race has remained as childish as ever, with each candidate taking absurd amounts of joy in finding new, superficial ways to belittle one another and seek attention. Here, we present to you the top-10 pettiest moments, thus far, in the race for the presidency.

1. The “small hands” incident.

Trying to step up to Donald Trump’s level of innate pettiness, Marco Rubio — known to most as lil’ Marco — rose to the occasion in February, saying:

“He’s always calling me ‘little Marco.’ I’ll admit he’s taller than me. He’s like 6’2’’, which is why I don’t understand why his hands are the size of someone who’s 5’2’’. Have you seen his hands? And you know what they say about men with small hands?”

But lil’ Marco was foolish, for you can’t out-petty the man who perfected the art. Trump defended himself at the next debate, where he clarified:

I have to say this: He hit my hands. No one has ever hit my hands. Look at those hands, are those small hands? And he referred to my hands as if, if they’re small, something else may be small. I guarantee to you there’s no problem, I guarantee!

Ah, politics as usual!

2. Bernie’s side eye

In the race for shade-throwing, Bernie wins by a landslide.

3. Donald Trump slams Megyn Kelly for (potentially) having her period (known to some as “being a woman”).

The cool thing about having your period is that it means you’re fertile, able to create life, and what’s more beautiful than that? The less fortunate thing is that some men — in the feminist community, we refer to them as “ignorant assholes” — accuse you of having your period if you express any sort of negative emotion.

Which is precisely what Donald Trump did while criticizing Megyn Kelly for challenging him at a Republican presidential debate, eloquently stating that she had “blood coming out of her wherever.”

Stay classy, Donald.

4. Bernie counters arguments that he should apologize to Sandy Hook victims with the argument that Hillary should apologize to victims of the Iraq War.

It’s a situation that anyone with siblings knows all too well: You get your sister in trouble and in return, she tells mom about something bad you did. Channeling his inner child, Sanders did the same thing to Clinton in a recent interview.

I know you are, but what am I?

5. Speaking of childish insults, who can forget the time Trump told Jeb his mother should be running for prez?

6. Trump calls the only female candidate in the Republican race an uggo.

Trump musing on Carly Fiorina’s face: “Look at that face! Would anyone vote for that? Can you imagine that, the face of our next president?!”

So wealthy, and yet he must have no mirrors in any of his mansions.

7. On a similar note, Trump also called Cruz’s wife uggo.

Trump dug into Cruz on Twitter, comparing his former-model wife to Cruz’s normal, human wife:

8. Michele Bachmann attempts to “teach” Hillary how to swipe a MetroCard.

New York–values–lovin’ Michele Bachmann tried to “school” Hillary, after a video of the presidential candidate struggling to swipe a MetroCard went viral. Bachmann says, in her cartoonishly Midwestern drawl, “I know you had a tough time, Hillary, trying to figure out how to do the subway system.”

Ahhh, yes, true New Yorkers know how to do the subway system soooo good.

9. Trump reads aloud Senator Lindsey Graham’s phone number.

Here’s a throwback for you all! It’s July 2015, and nobody thinks Trump is actually electable. While giving a campaign speech in New Hampshire, after calling Graham a “beggar,” a “lightweight,” and an “idiot,” Trump read aloud Graham’s phone number to the crowd, encouraging them to call him.

The considerably less petty Graham tweeted this as a response:

10. Hillary says Bernie isn’t a real Democrat.

When Politico asked Hillary if Bernie is a Democrat, she said, “Well, I can’t answer that. He’s a relatively new Democrat, and, in fact, I’m not even sure he is one. He’s running as one. So I don’t know quite how to characterize him.”

Wait. If Bernie isn’t a Democrat, then why did he win the last seven democratic primaries? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

The 10 Pettiest Moments of the Presidential Race