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post-baby bodies in a pre-baby world
April 27, 2016

Why We’re Obsessed With Ogling New Moms

By Laura June

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Photo: Kevin Mazur/2016 Kevin Mazur

Just this past weekend, Chrissy Teigen caught some heat when she “stepped out” with husband John Legend nine days after giving birth to their first child, a daughter.

According to screenshots Teigen posted on Twitter, some people thought the new mother was leaving her baby too early. Teigen, a social-media master, handled the situation with finesse. When someone asked how her daughter was, she joked, “I dunno where she is.”

But among the fans accusing Teigen of selfishness or bad parenting were those who specifically thought she was performing the First Official Celebrity Post-Baby Appearance too early. “That spotlight pull be strong,” one wrote. Said another, “She needs to stop all this attention seeking.” A third commended Teigen’s hustle: “Y’all realize she’s a model and her body is how she makes money.” The implication was that she’d left the house for attention and media adulation, rather than because she’s a human who enjoys occasional bouts of fresh air.

The First Official Celebrity Post-Baby Appearance is now a rite of passage that all women of various levels of fame, from B-list to royalty, must endure after reproducing. It runs like this:

1. Give birth
2. Announce the birth
3. Hide out and either hang with the baby and enjoy being a mom, or desperately diet and exercise in order to get back your pre-baby body.
4. Make your First Official Post-Baby Appearance.

The tone of a First Official Post-Baby Appearance is meant to be triumphant. The celebrity should be glowing, and we should all admire her slim, toned body. In fact, the most ideal form of the post-baby body is a body that looks like the baby never happened.

As a ritual, it’s a way to remind the public that celebrities are different from the rest of us. Having a child can change things about a body. Some people naturally bounce back quickly. Some people work really hard to get back to where they want to be. Almost none of us have the time or resources — especially as mothers of newborns — to begin trying to perfect our post-birth bodies right after the child arrives. But celebrities do, so we expect them to “snap back” in record time.

And that time seems to be shrinking. Kelly Rowland took three months to return “glowing” to the red carpet, and occasionally, we are confronted by nearly impossible timelines: Rosamund Pike “showed no signs that she had just given birth nine weeks ago” when she stunned on the red carpet at the BAFTAs in February of 2015, and Kate Middleton took less than a month to reappear in her skinny jeans after giving birth to Prince George in 2013.

Of course, before the skinny-jeans incident, Middleton unwittingly invited controversy when she was photographed leaving the hospital with a swaddled newborn George and looking, well, pregnant. “Kate Middleton’s post-baby bump sparks debate over what normal women look like after giving birth” ran the headline in the National Post, as if Kate Middleton were in any way normal.

The fact that she is not, however, speaks to the reality of childbirth: All the riches in England could not hide the fact that she’d clearly given birth in the past few days. When a huge portion of the adult population of Earth appears surprised that a women who has just given birth still has a “bump,” that speaks to an enormous dissonance between ideals and reality.

Celebrity motherhood is pretty roundly adored these days (even as non-famous mothers get limited support, at least in the U.S.). Tabloids love to be the first to announce an impending celebrity baby, and they cannot get enough photos of the “bumps.” They monitor the bellies of hundreds (or maybe thousands) of celebrity women, always on the lookout for the signs of a growing bump.

But the truth is that we’re still not that comfortable with the realities of childbirth, nor are we that comfortable with actual women’s bodies. The First Official Post-Baby Appearance doesn’t celebrate the mother or the brand-new life that she just produced. It celebrates a return to normalcy in the form of a toned body that allows us to forget how children are actually made.

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Shakira, June 2015 Four months after giving birth, the singer shared photos of herself working out on Instagram. Speaking to Hello, she said, &qu... Shakira, June 2015 Four months after giving birth, the singer shared photos of herself working out on Instagram. Speaking to Hello, she said, "For a while I could only wear sweatpants because I was that intermediate size where you're not a small, you're not a large," she said. This is known in the regular world as a "medium." Photo: shakira/Instagram
Kim Kardashian West with her grandmother and husband, Kanye West, December 2015 Just one month after giving birth to her second child, Saint, Kar... Kim Kardashian West with her grandmother and husband, Kanye West, December 2015 Just one month after giving birth to her second child, Saint, Kardashian made an appearance at her mother Kris Jenner's Christmas Eve party. With it came the news that she had "already lost 17 pounds," according to E! Photo: kimkardashian/Instagram
Beyoncé, February 2012 Beyoncé showed up at husband Jay Z's Carnegie Hall concert in February 2012 about one month after giving bir... Beyoncé, February 2012 Beyoncé showed up at husband Jay Z's Carnegie Hall concert in February 2012 about one month after giving birth to their daughter, Blue Ivy, as published in Magic Baltimore. Photo: Kevin Mazur/2012 Kevin Mazur
Rose Byrne in NYC, April 2016 The actress made her First Offical Post-Baby Appearance just a few weeks ago, at the Marimekko and Target Launch in... Rose Byrne in NYC, April 2016 The actress made her First Offical Post-Baby Appearance just a few weeks ago, at the Marimekko and Target Launch in NYC, after giving birth to her son in February. Just Jared was on the scene. Photo: Neilson Barnard/2016 Getty Images
Kim Kardashian West and Kanye West, NYC, February 2016 The mogul showed up for her husband's Yeezy collection show at Fashion Week just about two... Kim Kardashian West and Kanye West, NYC, February 2016 The mogul showed up for her husband's Yeezy collection show at Fashion Week just about two months after giving birth to their second child, Saint, in December 2015. This was actually her second post-baby appearance, though her first official one. Photo: Kevin Mazur/2016 Kevin Mazur
Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, Kate Middleton, and two very impressive hats, June 2015 In June 2015, less than two months after giving birth to he... Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, Kate Middleton, and two very impressive hats, June 2015 In June 2015, less than two months after giving birth to her second child, Princess Charlotte, Middleton appeared in an open carriage with step-mother-in-law Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, for the occasion of the queen's birthday. Photo: Danny Martindale/2015 Danny Martindale
Rachel Bilson, August 2015 The actress "stepped out" in August 2015 after giving birth to her daughter with actor Hayden Christensen ni... Rachel Bilson, August 2015 The actress "stepped out" in August 2015 after giving birth to her daughter with actor Hayden Christensen nine months earlier. She came to a one-night-only L.A. event, "The Unauthorizied O.C. Musical." Photo: Joshua Blanchard/2015 Getty Images
Kelly Rowland in Hollywood, February 2015 The singer and member of Destiny's Child came to an ESSENCE Black Women in Hollywood lunch three months... Kelly Rowland in Hollywood, February 2015 The singer and member of Destiny's Child came to an ESSENCE Black Women in Hollywood lunch three months after giving birth to her first child in November of 2014. Photo: Jason LaVeris/2015 Jason LaVeris
Halle Berry at the Acapulco Film Festival, January 2014 Three months after giving birth to her second child, the actress sported a "killer b... Halle Berry at the Acapulco Film Festival, January 2014 Three months after giving birth to her second child, the actress sported a "killer body-after-baby" (according to People) on the red carpet. Photo: Jesse Grant/2014 Getty Images
Eva Mendes, February 2015 The actress was photographed five months after the birth of her first child with actor Ryan Gosling, shooting a fashion... Eva Mendes, February 2015 The actress was photographed five months after the birth of her first child with actor Ryan Gosling, shooting a fashion campaign for her line for New York and Company. Photo: Charles Bladen/2015 Charles Bladen
Blake Lively, New York Fashion Week, February 2015 The actress, who had given birth just a month earlier to her first child — a son with actor Ry... Blake Lively, New York Fashion Week, February 2015 The actress, who had given birth just a month earlier to her first child — a son with actor Ryan Reynolds — was on hand at NYFW events looking "stunning" and "amazing," according to Stylecaster. Photo: Stephen Lovekin/2015 Getty Images
Rosamund Pike in London at the BAFTAs, February 2015 According to Hello!, the actress "flaunted" her post-baby body (largely by using i... Rosamund Pike in London at the BAFTAs, February 2015 According to Hello!, the actress "flaunted" her post-baby body (largely by using it to walk around and wear clothes) nine weeks after giving birth. Photo: Ian Gavan/2015 Getty Images
Megan Fox at the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Sports Awards, April 2014 Megan Fox hit the red carpet in Dolce & Gabbana five months after giving b... Megan Fox at the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Sports Awards, April 2014 Megan Fox hit the red carpet in Dolce & Gabbana five months after giving birth to her son — her second — in February of 2014. Photo: Jason LaVeris/2014 Jason LaVeris
Christina Aguilera, November 2014 Christina Aguilera performed at the Breakthrough Prize Awards in Mountain View, California, in November 2014, a... Christina Aguilera, November 2014 Christina Aguilera performed at the Breakthrough Prize Awards in Mountain View, California, in November 2014, about three months after having a daughter — her second child — in August. Photo: Steve Jennings/2014 Getty Images
Kate Middleton with husband Prince William, August 2013 "It's the moment everyone's been waiting for," read Harper's Bazaar when Middle... Kate Middleton with husband Prince William, August 2013 "It's the moment everyone's been waiting for," read Harper's Bazaar when Middleton, also known as the Duchess of Cambridge, came out for her first official appearance one month after giving birth to her first child, Prince George. The official appearance, to kick off the Ring O Fire Anglesey Coastal Ultra Marathon, followed an "unofficial" appearance in which Kate was seen pushing a shopping cart in the parking lot of a Waitrose store in skinny jeans. Photo: AFP/2013 AFP
Channing Tatum, June 2013 The actor stepped out just one month after having his daughter with his wife, Jenna Dewan Tatum. The occasion was the p... Channing Tatum, June 2013 The actor stepped out just one month after having his daughter with his wife, Jenna Dewan Tatum. The occasion was the premiere of White House Down in Washington, D.C., and he flaunted his post-baby body in a suit and tie. Photo: Paul Morigi/2013 Paul Morigi
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