educated guesses

Here’s What We Think the Movie Mother’s Day Is About

Photo: Courtesy of OpenRoad Films

One would assume, perhaps not wrongly, that the poster for an upcoming film should tell at least part of its story. The movie poster for Gods of Egypt tells me the story of two gold robots fighting each other. The poster for The Purge: Election Year tells me that people who vote are gonna die. The new Tarzan movie is an extended advertisement for P90X. All of these story details one could glean from their posters, perhaps even inspiring a person to buy a ticket to see the film in its entirety. (Previous examples do not apply.)

But Mother’s Day — oh, Mother’s Day — a film that is allegedly set to be released on April 29 (which is not, might I remind you, Mother’s Day) tells me a story I’m not sure I want to know. Four images, connected by decorative twine and a tiny bouquet of ugly flowers. Jason Sudeikis? A wig. Jennifer Aniston doing the same exact face as the smirk emoji. A tag line that is — I shit you not — “Come celebrate the mother of all holidays.” What could this movie possibly be about? Let’s take a few guesses.

Jason Sudeikis Is the Father to Three Mothers

Kate Hudson, Julia Roberts, and Jennifer Aniston are Jason Sudeikis’s grown-up daughters. And guess what, viewer: They’re all having babies. Sudeikis — who is a lonely, 49-year-old widower who is frankly too old to be considered fuckable — instead finds joy in the quiet family life as a father to three beautiful, accomplished women. Sadly, the three mothers die in a plane crash en route to a girls weekend in Palm Springs and then Sudeikis is tasked with becoming the mother to three newborns. He accepts this responsibility fully and is proud to have had the opportunity to raise not just three strong women, but their beautiful daughters, too. When the infants can talk, they refer to him as “Mom.” He tears up a little. Fade to black.  — Dayna Evans, staff writer

Jason Sudeikis Is a Sad Widow Who Still Gets Laid

This movie is about a wig, obviously, but I also think it is primarily about Jason Sudeikis. He plays a widowed dad to two beautiful little blonde girls named Maizie and Corn. His neighbor Kate Hudson, golf teacher Jennifer Aniston, and boss Julia Roberts all try to help him, and they all end up fucking him. Maizie and Corn perform a song about their dead mom at the school talent show on Mother’s Day. In the end, Jason Sudeikis marries Minka Kelly (she has got to be in this movie, I think). — Allie Jones, staff writer

Jason Sudeikis Gets to Bonk All the Ladies

Jason Sudeikis is a hot polygamist who meets Kate Hudson at a bar, and they fall in love against a backdrop of romantic music and silly and/or awkward moments. When he meets Jennifer Aniston at that same bar and also falls in love with her against a backdrop of romantic music and silly and/or awkward moments, he’s nervous about telling Kate because he loves Kate, but he also, like, has to stay true to his polyamorous lifestyle. He tells Kate and they have a fight. She storms off looking bae af, her cheeks lightly flushed. She goes on an awkward date and then realizes that she LOVES Jason and is willing to try this out just to see if it works. First, it’s really awkward with Kate and Jennifer, but after some montages of their awkward tussles and weird fights, they kind of start to like each other. Julia is the last one to enter the picture and they all welcome her with open arms. Then they all have babies that don’t look remotely like any of them and they all raise them together happily, because it takes a village. — Aude White, publicist

Jason Sudeikis Has a Baby

Jason Sudeikis is a new mom trying to have it all. He joins a message board online with other mothers in his neighborhood to get tips and tricks of the trade. But the mothers are not actually mothers at all — they are secret feminist agents plotting to destroy all men. Now, Jason must try to stop them before they can turn the world into a matriarchy through a military coup scheduled for Mother’s Day, during which they will take over all of society by temporarily distracting men with Vines of impressive basketball dunks. Will Jason survive, or will he perish? (He perishes.) — Jessica Roy, news editor

Everybody Wants Jason Sudeikis

Kate Hudson is the Ryan Gosling to Julia Roberts’s Steve Carell in a Crazy Stupid Love–type plot to win over Jason Sudekis, who is an assistant in Roberts’s office. Jennifer Aniston makes exactly one cameo as Snobby Hot Yoga Mom,™ whose bitchiness is the impetus for Roberts and Hudson to bond for the first time. — Sarah Spellings, editorial assistant

Jason Sudeikis Is a Failed Brooklyn Instagram Celebrity

Jason Sudeikis, a failed Brooklyn Instagram celebrity, gives up on the city and moves to Long Island, where he sets up a glamour photo studio, because what else is there to do. Jen and Julia are lifelong friends, and Kate Hudson is someone’s younger cousin who just sort of stuck around, they guess? Anyway, they force their lame-o, preppy, suburban husbands to actually take care of the kids for once and have a ​~girls day~, as they truly deserve. Over the course of several mimosas at brunch (obviously), which definitely involved complimenting each other over their perfectly chosen pink shades of lipstick, Anna Wintour diehard Julia confesses she isn’t psyched about her new haircut, which is met with a shout of “(GLAMOUR) SHOTS!” and guess whose photo studio is a stumble away? Selfies, feather boas, and giggles galore, but what happens when the camera gets turned off?  — Marissa Cetin, social media editor

The Frame God

After a young boy knocks over and shatters a group of picture frames in the home-goods section of Macy’s, four stock-photo models realize, to their horror, that what they had perceived to be the “world” until this moment (four people, all white; fuzzy-green background for girls and fuzzy-brown background for boys) had been rooted in deeply ignorant falsehoods. It’s quite startling for the entire group, but for Julia Roberts, specifically. (She sort of “ran things” within the frames, and now feels like she’s losing control.) The majority of the story is told in flashbacks: We see the group tending to the fuzzy green, praying to their frame god (“Mother”), fucking each other, etc. In present day, Jennifer Aniston tries to get the group to come up with a frame-escape plan together, but Kate Hudson doesn’t want to wait. She takes off running, only to find out — oh no, what’s this? Oh, my god. The outside world … it’s all fake. None of it is real! And now she can’t get back into the frame world! Ultimately, the movie is about never questioning Frame God or attempting to reach outside of Her bounds. It’s called Mother’s Day because Mother (the frame god) got the last laugh. Jason Sudeikis doesn’t have any lines. — Kelly Conaboy, writer

Here’s What We Think Mother’s Day Is About