For many years I have ignorantly assumed that the flatness of my butt was my fault: I was simply born genetically unblessed, destined for every cookie I consumed to travel straight to my ab (I have one). But today I would like to announce that I have finally been freed from my flat-butt insecurities. I no longer feel guilty watching Snap stories of Khloe Kardashian doing squats instead of doing squats myself. Today, I learned that flat butts are actually a medical condition, and I no longer need to suffer alone in silence.
“Aches and pains? You could have ‘Dormant Butt Syndrome’” exclaims an article from CBS News you couldn’t pay me not to click on. Otherwise known as “dead butt syndrome,” the condition appears in people with “under-active glutes,” whose infirm rears force other muscles in the back, knees, and hips to overcompensate. The condition can be caused by being born with a flat butt, not exercising your flat butt, sitting too much on your flat butt, or, if you’re me, all of the above.
For many flat-butt sufferers, it will come as a relief to know that you can shut down those who mock your flat butt with the iron-clad retort, “Actually, I have a medical condition.” Just don’t tell them it’s called “Dead Butt Syndrome.”