I Straight-up Refuse to Do This Hologram’s Workout

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Hatsune Miku, mid-exertion.
Hatsune Miku, mid-exertion.

Diana Vreeland’s “Why Don’t You?” column in Harper’s Bazaar was famous for suggesting things like, “Why don’t you rinse your blonde child’s hair in Champagne?” These fizzy, silly propositions were worded with enough enthusiasm to make you want to corral a blonde child and a bottle of bubbly then and there. Why don’t I, indeed? But I do not share the same enthusiasm for vogue.com’s suggestion today that I put myself through the mental,  physical, and perhaps emotional obstacle course that is attempting a hologram’s workout.

Yes, a hologram. That would be the collection of 1s and 0s known as Hatsune Miku, hailed by this publication as “the future of music.” It’s not enough to keep tabs on whatever health-promoting gyrations Karlie Kloss is doing. I now need to be aware of the “fitness” routines of the non-carbon-based. No sale, vogue.com!

While I recognize what this is intended to be — a fun way to inject wellness-based content with a bit of digital-age absurdity — I reject it. I will not be moving my humidifier to free up the space in my apartment necessary to complete exercises like oblique twists (“always a crowd-pleaser”) and the “jump-squat and jive,” whatever in the sweet holy hell that may be. (The accompanying GIF provides no clarity.)

I am well aware that Hatsune Miku is a non-human pop star with a squadron of very real fans. Her exercise routine is, however, not a thing I will be doing. After all, our beauty standards are oppressive enough without bringing holograms into the mix. And no, I am not swayed by the postscript that said hologram “was shot for Vogue’s forthcoming Met Gala special issue in custom Givenchy couture.” Much like kickball, I plan on sitting this — all of this — out.

I Refuse to Do This Hologram’s Workout