celebrity diets

Do Not Buy Tom Brady’s $200 Cookbook

Tom “No Tomatoes” Brady Photo: Jim McIsaac/Getty Images

Tom Brady is a famous football player married to a supermodel. Much like you are paid to go into an office and bang on your keyboard for several hours a day, it is his job to be in peak physical condition.

Brady realized somewhere down the line that people want to look like him (fit and swole) and so he started a training plan called TB12. Now he is trying to get people to buy his $200 cookbook, the TB12™ Nutrition Manual, which includes “89 seasonally-inspired recipes that you can use to support your TB12-aligned nutrition plan.”

Tom Brady seems like an okay dude, but, for the love of god, do not buy Tom Brady’s $200 cookbook. Do not buy Tom Brady’s cookbook if it goes on sale for $100. Do not exchange any amount of dollars or cents for anything that has the words “Tom Brady cookbook” in the description. Because joylessly consuming non-nightshade vegetables costs only the price of a bunch of kale.

Earlier this year, Brady and wife Gisele Bündchen’s personal chef, Allen Campbell, released the couple’s meal plan so all the world could see what professionally hot people eat to look so hot. It was a brave move, because highly relatable celebrities still tend to use their red-carpet soundbites to talk about how much they love eating cheeseburgers. (We know you’re counting out raw almonds like the rest of us!)

Brady and Bündchen’s diet is incredibly strict, consisting entirely of fresh vegetables, whole grains, and lean meats. They do not eat dairy, olive oil, white sugar, white flour, caffeine, iodized salt, fungi, or nightshade vegetables. Tom Brady’s burden (besides the specter of Deflategate that still haunts him) is that he will never know the sweet pleasure of a ripe tomato dribbling juice down his perfectly sculpted chin dimple in the summertime.

Guess what? There are 169,000 results for “avocado ice cream” on Google.

Do not buy Tom Brady’s cookbook.

Do Not Buy Tom Brady’s $200 Cookbook