objectification

An Ode to This Hot Norwegian Navy Officer’s Spectacular Beard

Lasse L. Matberg.
Lasse L. Matberg.

Dear Lasse L. Matberg’s beard,

You pair well with uniforms, bare chests, and even this questionable scarf-legwarmer-pajama combination. You are, in short, the perfect beard.

Every one of your hairs exudes a Viking-hipster-lumberjack energy. (But in a good way.) And, oh, to be this Pomeranian pressed against your bristles.

Alas, my sweet beard, you reside far from me, in Norway — land of fjords, clean design, and excellent maternity-leave policies.

Until we may meet, I will gaze longingly upon your visage on my Instagram feed, double-tapping you to quench my thirst.

An Ode to This Hot Navy Officer’s Beard