Welcome to Douche of the Week, where tortured Bachelorette viewers Anna Silman and Allie Jones take turns awarding male contestants on the show the honor of … Douche of the Week.
We started out this season with the intention of naming one Bachelorette contestant the Douche of the Week. We expected their infractions to be relatively minor: butchering a beloved meme, perhaps, or treating the Bachelorette mansion like the shoot of a Santa porn. What we did not bargain for was Chad. (I believe when future Bachelorologists analyze Chad, they will determine him to be a “black swan,” and/or an emissary sent by God to destroy the franchise.)
Lots happened in this week’s four (!) hours of Bachelorette viewing, but suffice it to say, most of it involved Chad intimidating the other contestants, both verbally and physically. At this point, I feel like I am not watching The Bachelorette, but rather a spinoff starring Chad where he spends six weeks deciding which contestant to kill. I also feel like I have Stockholm syndrome, and also that Chad is my boyfriend.
If anything, Chad seems even bigger, veinier, and more Hulk-like than he seemed in other weeks (all that suitcase training and pocket-pastrami has clearly paid off), so much so that the other contestants have to hire a security guard for fear that Chad will chomp them up in the night like a ripe piece of sweet potato. At one point, Chad warns everyone not to “poke the Chad bear,” and the producers inter-splice footage of Chad with an actual bear, to give you a sense of the magic taking place in the editing room this season.
The men’s fear doesn’t seem unfounded, given that Chad is prone to saying things like, ”I’m going to cut everyone here’s legs off and arms off, and there’s going to be torsos, and I’m going to throw them in the pool,” and, to football player Jordan, “You think this is a show and you think you’re safe for now, but one day this ends. And when this ends, you go home. And when you go home, you think I can’t find you?” Somebody warn Olivia Munn! (He also grabbed Evan and ripped his burgundy V-neck after he publicly accused Chad of using steroids, although, in my opinion, Evan had it coming.)
Yet Chad can also be pretty reasonable at times. He doesn’t buy into The Bachelorette’s manufactured fantasy world, refusing to participate in contrived group activities (instead of doing his assigned sex speech, he brings JoJo onstage and tries to kiss her, which she dodges) and constantly ribbing the other guys for not being genuine about why they’re there. Sure, he’s a sexist douche, but at least he’s a douche with a point of view.
He also has some of the sickest burns in Bachelorette history:
- “You’re a 27-year-old failed football player. You’ve done nothing with your life other than throw a piece of leather.”
- “There’s a 25-year-old pussy sitting right there.”
- “No girl on planet Earth ever chooses Evan for anything other than to come sweep their front yard.”
- “Evan needs to just go away, friggin bad guy from Fifth Element.”
- “Grant looks like a dude from SpongeBob, that big face that sticks out.”
The episode ends with JoJo, Chad, and Alex on a two-on-one date in the woods, where the trees are so thick that nobody can hear them scream. Alex tells JoJo that Chad is terrifying, and JoJo is finally given permission by producers to cut him loose. After dismissing JoJo as “either an actress or a complete asshole,” uttering a few lines of a nursery rhyme to Alex (“Life ain’t all blueberries and paper airplanes”; “drink some milk” ; “pigs are in the castle”), which we assume is part of his serial-killing ritual, we see Chad roaming through the woods with a machete, whistling a haunting tune, as he heads back to the mansion to complete some unfinished business. TO BE CONTINUED!
Honorary mention: To my countryman Daniel, the Chad-whisperer, for bolstering Canada’s reputation as a nation of peacemakers. Also, for this exchange:
- Daniel: It’s like, you know, let’s just pretend you’re Hitler. If I’m friends with you … ”
- Chad: “Let’s not pretend I’m Hitler.”
- Daniel: “Well, let’s just say it. Let’s just say it.”
- Chad: “Let’s not say it.”
- Daniel: “Okay, well, let’s say you’re Donald Trump or something like that. I mean, if I hang out with you, it’s gonna make me look bad, too, right? So, let’s, like, be not so much like Hitler. Maybe be more like Mussolini, you know? Or Bush, right? So, I mean, just maybe take it down a notch, right?”