Welcome to Douche of the Week, where tortured Bachelorette viewers Anna Silman and Allie Jones take turns awarding male contestants on the show the honor of … Douche of the Week.
Over the course of the season, reluctant Bachelorette viewers have been divided by one pivotal question: What kind of a douche is Chad, née Brian, Johnson? And is his historic douchery a force for good, or a force for evil?
Last night was “The Men Tell All,” the annual postmortem where returning contestants return to confess their sins before Chris Harrison, JoJo, and God. Of course, the main event was THE RETURN OF CHAD, who emerged from his UberBLACK in aviators and newly shined dress shoes, whistling ominously. Immediately he sequestered himself in a trailer to eat a plate of cold cuts. Chad knows what the people want, and the people want to see him eat meat alone while looking like a member of Kill Bill’s deadly viper assassination squad.
Before Chad came out to face the music, the other contestants talked shit about him and offered various theories to explain his douchiness. Damn Daniel thinks he’s a good douche who got a bad rap for telling the other contestants what they didn’t want to hear. Most of them think he’s a bad douche. Some guy whose name I can’t remember said he felt that Chad was “an episode of Cops waiting to happen.” Dick Doctor Evan appealed to science: “What happened was Chad took a bunch of steroids before and then came to the mansion and didn’t bring them.” Some of the audience booed him; others wore T-shirts that said “The Chadelor.” Like us, they are conflicted.
Here’s how our thinking breaks down:
• Chad is easily the most entertaining thing to have ever happened to this franchise. If the Rock is franchise Viagra, Chad is franchise steroids, and every moment he wasn’t onscreen last night was a total snooze-fest. Sure, Luke aced his audition to be the next Bachelor/cover star of Sad Cowboy Digest, but I can’t begin to tell you who else talked, or why. Brogan? Loafer? Boathouse? I think those are their names.
• It’s pretty clear that the other contestants did gang up on Chad from the get-go, and, thanks to Chris Harrison’s Group Date Instant Replay Cam, we learn that Dick Doctor Evan did indeed shove Chad on the stand-up comedy date. Chad is a bullying victim, and as Jennifer Aniston taught us, bullying is not nice.
• Chad has sick burns. Tonight’s highlight: “Your pocket square does not match your shirt.” Nice.
• When he’s not threatening to beat people up, Chad possesses the whimsical spirit and rhetorical panache of a children’s storybook writer. Asked by Chris Harrison if he regretted his time on the show, Chad mused: “Sometimes you choose apples when you should have chosen pickles.” (Previous highlights: “Life ain’t all blueberries and paper airplanes,” “drink some milk,” “pigs are in the castle.”)
• Chad’s truth-telling tends to go too far, like when he suggested that Robbie threatened his ex-girlfriend. This is not a light accusation to make, and seems like grounds for a libel lawsuit.
• In fact, the more I think about it, Chad may be truly evil. Being an onscreen douche is one thing, because you can rationalize that it’s all for the cameras, but Chad seems pretty committed to his reign of terror. Last night, he revealed that he slept with both Robbie and Grant’s ex-girlfriends after the series to prove that “we’re not all bad guys just because we’re on the show.” This is exactly the sort of thing a bad guy would do. Side note: Is there some exclusive social networking app for Bachelor/Bachelorette contestants and their exes, and if so, how do I apply?
• Most damningly, Chad was mean to JoJo. JoJo is under enough stress as it is, having foolishly traded Nicholas Sparks dreamboy Luke and distant Calvin Harris cousin Alex for two men who are clearly there for ALL THE WRONG REASONS. Chad twists the knife in deeper, wishing her well with Robbie, who “broke up with his girlfriend to come on the show,” and Jordan, a “liar and cheater whose own older brother won’t even talk to him.” It may be true, but it doesn’t mean she needs to hear it.
In conclusion, having weighed the pros and cons, I am not yet prepared to make a definitive judgment on the nature of Chad’s douchery. Bring on Bachelor in Paradise!