If you thought you heard a faint, haunting scream reverberate through the L.A. area late last week, you weren’t imagining things: Some lowlife cleanse enthusiast had the gall to steal Moon Juice founder Amanda Chantal Bacon’s rose quartz crystal from her shop’s Silver Lake location.
Bacon took a moment between doing calming breath sets and freebasing bee pollen to post a frantic Instagram in which she demanded the culprit return the crystal (which is gendered as a “her,” in case you were wondering) lest they face some seriously harsh vibes.
Bearded troubadour and professional troll Father John Misty claimed responsibility for a theft in an Instagram post mocking Bacon’s quest to find her missing crystal, along with her “inconsistent” smoothies. And while it’s all fun, games, and the potential beginnings of the most mellow war ever, the rose quartz crystal thief is still at large. And if Father John Misty wasn’t behind it, then who was? Here are some theories:
Pratt, villainous Hills boyfriend turned wry and incisive Twitter commentator, is famously obsessed with healing crystals — even spending up to $75,000 on a single rock. Who’s to say he didn’t see the rose quartz crystal lying in Moon Juice and decide that it would have a better life hanging out with other fellow crystals instead of the endless stream of people who pour in to spend $12 on juice and leech its healing energy? If anything, he orchestrated a crystal rescue.
Gwyneth Paltrow is a famous Moon Juice connoisseur — her trademarked morning-smoothie recipe contains Bacon-approved ingredients like maca and ashwagandha, along with Bacon’s highly-specific “dusts” for various needs. Here’s how the theft could’ve gone down: Paltrow ducked into Moon Juice’s Silver Lake location after a particularly grueling Tracy Anderson class to restock on Spirit Dust, when daughter Apple decided she didn’t want to wait in the car and listen to Moses’ endless babbling about Pokémon Go. While mom was instructing the Moon Juice worker to go light on the ho shou wu, Apple (age 12) slipped the fancy rock in her pocket in a fleeting, intoxicating moment of preteen rebellion. Run, Apple, run!
In July 2014, Perry told a reporter, “I don’t stay single for long. I carry a lot of rose quartz, which attracts the male.” Somebody check the Moon Juice security footage for a woman wearing cat ears and a candy dress that shoots out whipped cream from the bustier, stat.
DJ Calvin Harris
According to the highly-scientific source HealingCrystals.com, “Rose Quartz opens the heart to all types of love … The soothing energy of Rose Quartz fosters empathy, reconciliation, and forgiveness of others. Lowering stress and tension in the heart, Rose Quartz clears out anger, jealousy, and resentment of others, and allows healing of heart issues and disease associated with holding on to such negative emotions.” Sounds like someone who could really use that Moon Juice rose quartz crystal is Calvin Harris, who’s been having a pretty difficult time getting over ex Taylor Swift and her subsequent rebound with Tom Hiddleston. And since nobody actually knows what his face looks like — four out of five doctors agree that Calvin Harris-induced face blindness is a serious medical condition — he has the perfect cover for committing the theft.
Woodley may only be 24 but she carries herself like she’s your great aunt who lives in a cabin in upstate New York, owns a Georgia O’Keefe paint-by-number kit, and makes her own deodorant. And so it would not surprise you to learn that along with eating clay, Woodley also allows some Moon Juice into her diet. In fact, she once told Into the Gloss that if she wasn’t an actress, she’d “open a place like Moon Juice.” What better way to take down your competitor than to steal all her good healing energy?
Amanda Chantal Bacon
Well, well, well. It was only a matter of time before this case came back to the very place it started. Perhaps Bacon, craving a return to attention she received after her now-infamous Elle non-food food diary was released (much like she craves copious amounts of gluten), made up the stolen crystal story to drum up publicity for Moon Juice. Stranger things have happened … like Bacon’s gluten-free sugar-free chia pudding cone. Namaste and good luck getting this image out of your head!