The heart is a fickle thing. Want proof? Look no further than “new york > brooklyn > for sale > appliances - by owner” on Craigslist.
In a hilarious ad titled “Wanna put my tender heart in a blender,” a woman listed a Vitamix blender for $400 — a great deal for a Vitamix, you might say. But this Vitamix is tinged with stories of heartbreak, love lost, and one truly douchey-sounding corporate-lawyer ex.
In the ad, she explains that she began dating the lawyer after matching with him on Tinder, even giving him a second chance after he ghosted her:
He’s kind. Not like other corporate lawyers, you tell your friends, who smile painfully. He wants to leave Wappen & Kladden! He has values! He’s sensitive! You’ve never been happier, and he says he’s never been happier, and for the first time, you know you’re in love.
You spend a fortune on dates and don’t care. He makes three times as much as you, but you want to prove you’re not after his money.
Eventually, she says things start to go south. He’s terrified of commitment (“He sees you ‘in a negative way’ now. He sometimes even doubts you’re attractive”), she finds him boring, and even wonders, “How did he pass the LSATs?” He goads her into breaking up with him the day after her birthday and then, lo, the Vitamix blender arrived on her doorstep:
Either he wants you back, or he does not understand the human species.
He does not understand the human species. Who buys someone they’re dumping a Vitamix? He wants to be the hero of this story: “I got this girl an epic birthday gift and then we broke up.” He wants me to remember him fondly. I can’t abide it.
Brava! We look forward to seeing Vitamix Blender Love Story adapted for the big screen.