Welcome to Douche of the Week, where tortured Bachelorette viewers Anna Silman and Allie Jones take turns awarding male contestants on the show the honor of … Douche of the Week.
In the beginning, Chris Harrison introduced 25-year-old Bachelorette JoJo Fletcher to 25 fame-hungry douches. In the end, she narrowed it down to two former athletes with the exact same haircut. Thanks to The Bachelorette’s maniacal producers, JoJo’s own questionable taste, and God, every single contestant was a douche in some way. Let’s remember the worst of them.
The Canadian Douche: Daniel
Daniel (occupation: “Canadian”) sailed into our Douche of the Week slot early on, after dansplaining the Damn Daniel meme to JoJo, joyfully poking another contestant in the bellybutton, and plunging shirtless into the Bachelorette mansion pool after getting “white Canadian wasted” at the first cocktail party. As Chad’s defacto sidekick, Daniel also helpfully advised his bellicose American bro to “not be so much like Hitler, maybe be more like Mussolini.” A harmless drunk with dated cultural references and conciliatory if ineffective geopolitics, Daniel is a douche with a distinctly Canadian flavor.
The Aggressive Douche: Chad
Chad — lunch-meat eater, sweet-potato chomper, suitcase-belt weightlifter, peddler of witty aphorisms — is easily the greatest douche in Bachelorette-franchise history, and the only entertaining thing to come out of this predictable mess of a season. Still, the nature of Chad’s douchery remains an open question: A gadfly committed to trolling his competitors with Machiavellian offscreen shenanigans (squatting on their domain names, dating their exes), he’s also an aggressive, hypermasculine steroidal rage monster who looks like he could hulk-smash through your screen at the slightest provocation. We both admire and fear him, and we look forward to seeing him tell Chris Harrison to “go fuck himself” on Bachelor in Paradise tonight.
The Insecure Douche: Evan
A V-neck-wearing erectile-dysfunction doctor with a noted resemblance to Gary Oldman in The Fifth Element, Evan inexplicably decided to fashion himself himself as Chad’s nemesis by roasting him on a group-date and then shoving him on the way back to his seat. Chad chalks Evan’s belligerence up to his fragile masculinity — specifically, the fact that “no girl on planet Earth ever picks Evan for anything, ever” — which is both a sick burn and a prescient explanation for Evan’s distinctive brand of smarmy, insecure douchiness.
The “Nice” Douche: Robby
For the finale episode, our runner-up Robby got a whole new attitude and perhaps a new set of teeth. With some help from producers, he presented himself as the “Nice Guy,” in stark opposition to Jordan, who made JoJo work for his affection right up until the end. When Jordan failed to ask JoJo’s dad for permission to propose, Robby got permission from her dad and her mom. When Jordan seemed unsure about marrying someone from a television show, Robby made it clear to JoJo that he was extra-super-duper sure. He flashed his pearly whites and told JoJo he would treasure her forever. Unfortunately, we can’t forget that Robby is just as shady as the rest of them: He reportedly broke up with his ex-girlfriend to come on the show, which he essentially admitted to JoJo on his “hometown” date.
The Winning Douche: Jordan
Of course, JoJo was always going to pick Jordan. By the time she realized he doesn’t actually have a relationship with his famous quarterback brother (and his famous quarterback brother’s girlfriend, Olivia Munn), it was too late. JoJo was already transfixed by Jordan’s poofy, familiar haircut and his ability to seem interested in her but only sometimes. He couldn’t even come up with a good reason for why he didn’t ask her dad for his proposal blessing. And, of course, outside of the show, he’s been accused of cheating. On the After the Final Rose special last night, JoJo had this to say of their exciting, new relationship: “I don’t want to sugarcoat it — it’s been very difficult.”
For all of these reasons and more, Jordan Rodgers is the biggest douche of them all. Congratulations to all contestants; see you next season!