the paddleboarding photos

Orlando Bloom’s Nude Form Disappoints Me

Orlando Bloom.
Orlando Bloom. Photo: VCG/Getty Images

Either Mark Twain or Abraham Lincoln or somebody else once uttered this famous quote: “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt.” The same general idea applies to penises.

What I am saying to all men and the actor Orlando Bloom specifically is that it is better to let the world go on thinking you have an “okay” penis than to go nude paddleboarding in Sardinia in front of paparazzi and prove it. Have you seen the uncensored photos of Orlando paddling in the nude? You can find them on Twitter, but I’ll tell you right now: They are okay.

Confirmed: Orlando Bloom has a penis. Suspected: He seems proud of it. One woman’s opinion: not “wow.” My feelings about it are best expressed by Selena Gomez’s facial expression here.

That said, it is perfectly fine to go nude paddleboarding, if you have the proper sun protection, and that’s what you want to do.