Conspiracy Theory: Hillary Clinton Is Actually a Millennial

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Hillary Clinton just loves Americans ages 18 to 34. Photo: Courtesy of Comedy Central

We know Hillary Clinton did Benghazi, emailed state secrets, silenced victims of sexual assault, had someone murdered, has at least one debilitating disease, and is probably hacking up a lung this very minute. But we at the Cut have uncovered yet another shocking secret the Democratic presidential nominee is hiding from the American public: She is, in fact, a millennial.

We know what you’re thinking: How can Hillary Clinton be a millennial? She was wearing a pantsuit when millennials were in diapers. But this is a woman who uses a body double when she’s felled with “pneumonia” (Zika) — when it comes to her, logic just doesn’t apply. Therefore, it is indeed possible that Clinton’s Pokémon Go jokes and Twitter burns aren’t examples of painfully obvious pandering, but are instead slipups that reveal her true form.

Surely these things can’t be engineered, because Clinton’s camp knows pandering would be just as off-putting to millennials as ignoring them completely. But don’t just take our word for it — examine the evidence yourself.

1. She knows how to unleash a good Twitter burn. Delete your account” was fun, but she knows the phrase is getting old, so she’s moved on to “Actually…” -based clapbacks.

2. She reads Medium.

3. She appeared on an episode of Broad City. Afterward Abbi and Ilana said they loved her, and she had to remind herself to play it cool.

4. She posed for Humans of New York. You know, to get her message out to all the Bernie supporters whose votes she hasn’t quite nabbed yet.

5. She has an app. She’s been addicted to the Kim Kardashian app since it launched, so she decided to build her own version.

6. She speaks emoji. And some developer also made her a Hillarymoji keyboard, but it’s kind of lame, so she doesn’t really use it.

7. Her online store carries Hillary Clinton–themed bandannas and T-shirts that say “Yaaas.”

8. She wrote an editorial for the Toast. She’d been a dedicated reader since it launched in 2013, and she was devastated to see it fold. Where will she read liberal dude erotica now?

9. She also wrote one for PopSugar. I don’t even read PopSugar.

10. And she wrote one for Mic. At this point, why not?

11. She has her own podcast. It’s just like Serial, except not.

12. She loves Elena Ferrante. A lot.

13. She made a Pokémon Go joke. Tugged by the irresistible pull of nostalgia, Hillary Clinton downloaded Pokémon Go the minute it came out in the U.S., but she ended up deleting it because it took up too much storage.

14. The CEO of Starbucks endorsed her. Which is a move as sweet as a Pumpkin Spice Latte, but she’s been more into kombucha lately.

15. She’s BFFs with Lena Dunham. Who, as we know, is “the voice of a generation.”

16. She knows her best camera angles. And she’s an old pro at photo booths.

17. She’s a Kanye stan. She wanted to line up for Yeezy merch, but her campaign schedule was packed.

18. She watched Lemonade. She just thinks Beyoncé is so inspiring.

19. She effectively mediated the Twitter feud between Chloë Grace Moretz and Kim Kardashian. Which made international politics look like cake.

20. She chose “Fight Song” as the official song of her campaign. Spotify included it in her Discover Weekly playlist last summer, and she thought it was catchy.

21. She’s a budding Vine star. She got bored in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, so she shot what might be the chillest Vine of all time — it was an instant hit.

21. She feeds her campaign workers Trader Joe’s. Because she knows Roasted Seaweed Snacks and Cookie Butter are the best fuel.

22. Seriously, just look at her campaign headquarters. Her Brooklyn campaign headquarters.

Taken together, the actions detailed above could only feasibly be carried out by someone between the ages of 18 and 34. And if any shred of uncertainty remains, it’s bound to be cleared up by her campaign’s inevitable Harambe meme.

Is Hillary Clinton a Secret Millennial?