Every Single Date on Dating Naked Season 3 Ranked by How Comfortable It’d Be to Do Those Activities Naked
Photo: Courtesy of VH1
For all the neuroses and hang-ups I have, being naked is shockingly not one of them. I picked up the phrase “bodies are just bodies!” from a friend and have been known to cheerfully exclaim it like I’m some sort of goddang elderly nudist living out the rest of her days in a sweaty, laid-back colony. But Dating Naked profoundly changed me.
For those unaware of the premise, the reality show Dating Naked is exactly what it sounds like: Various people go on dates, while naked, in the hopes of finding true love, or at least a future Instagram sponsorship with a detox-tea brand. On September 14, it will complete its third glorious season in Bora Bora, during which leads Natalie and David will reveal whom they’ve paired off with.
The nudity on Dating Naked isn’t as uncomfortable as the dating aspect. A good date usually means the opportunity to eat something delicious and talk about yourself. But 12 episodes of naked people at dinner does not a reality show make, and so Dating Naked consists of many, many activity-based dates. There is dancing. There is soccer. There is a decidedly bawdy spin on croquet. And I salute the producers for finding at least four different ways to repackage snorkeling.
In order for a date on this season of Dating Naked to count toward my comfortability rankings, it had to consist of some sort of activity — for instance, drinking and crying while naked does not a date make (because who among us has not?). And so, here are the dates ranked from most to least comfortable. I may never recover from all that dancing.
Natalie and Bob (who is 69, nice) shoot each other with water guns filled with fruity snow-cone flavors. This is by far the best date this season.
David and Martha ride a tiny submarine underwater, which is both cute and optimal for nudity.
Natalie and Michael paint each other naked, something I’ve wanted to do since I was 8 and saw Titanic for the first time.
David and Alexa make pasta from scratch in giant chef’s hats, wipe pasta dough on each other’s naked bodies, and don’t even eat the pasta. I was all i...
David and Alexa make pasta from scratch in giant chef’s hats, wipe pasta dough on each other’s naked bodies, and don’t even eat the pasta. I was all in on this until they got to the not-eating-the-pasta part.
Natalie and Sam take a boat out into the ocean and hang-glide underwater, which is one of the few times I've genuinely felt moved to do an X-treme act...
Natalie and Sam take a boat out into the ocean and hang-glide underwater, which is one of the few times I've genuinely felt moved to do an X-treme activity.
Monica and David make massage oils and rub them down on each other, in what's pretty much standard-regulation massage attire.
Sure, naked windsurfing. Can't be more embarrassing than the times John Kerry did it clothed.
Wheeeeeee!
In one of the more confusing dates of the season, Natalie plays a lifeguard, and makes Zach pretend to drown. To be honest, doing either naked seems f...
In one of the more confusing dates of the season, Natalie plays a lifeguard, and makes Zach pretend to drown. To be honest, doing either naked seems fine.
Natalie and Tommy make their own sushi (good), then Natalie places premade sushi all over his naked body (bad), then they throw sushi rice at each oth...
Natalie and Tommy make their own sushi (good), then Natalie places premade sushi all over his naked body (bad), then they throw sushi rice at each other (please stop).
David and Ashley paint each other then press their naked bodies against a blank canvas to make a painting. Can’t be any worse than a paint-and-sip cla...
David and Ashley paint each other then press their naked bodies against a blank canvas to make a painting. Can’t be any worse than a paint-and-sip class.
Man, the Dating Naked producers love snorkeling. This time, Vanessa and David go snorkeling with turtles. Turtles are nice, and always ...
Man, the Dating Naked producers love snorkeling. This time, Vanessa and David go snorkeling with turtles. Turtles are nice, and always uninhibited by clothing.
More snorkeling! Goddamn. In this iteration, David and Dorothy put on mermaid flippers and go snorkeling, and Dorothy calls mermaids “the seductresses...
More snorkeling! Goddamn. In this iteration, David and Dorothy put on mermaid flippers and go snorkeling, and Dorothy calls mermaids “the seductresses of the water.” The snorkeling part looks fine, the cosplaying mermaids … not so much.
David and Kendra go “diving” (snorkeling) for “treasure” (rocks). How many times must I establish that I’m okay with snorkeling naked?
When David and Jen go swimming with stingrays, she says, “This would be a cool death.” I like Jen.
David and Varshay play “beer pong” but with giant red buckets and volleyball and ice water; the winner gets to pour ice water on the loser. Not exactl...
David and Varshay play “beer pong” but with giant red buckets and volleyball and ice water; the winner gets to pour ice water on the loser. Not exactly enjoyable, but far better than getting ice water poured on you when you're fully clothed.
While I do love a food-based date, the proximity to hot oil means making doughnuts naked is a little iffy for me.
Natalie and Connor just jump off a dock. This is not a date, but seems fun to do naked.
David and Alexis do “karate,” which is mostly uncomfortable due to the themed outfits.
David and Sarah both dress in drag, which is neither a date nor naked.
I didn’t want to do slacklining when I saw stoners doing it on my college campus, and I for sure don’t want to do it while naked, either.
Tim and Natalie have to build a fort, but need to climb a tree to acquire leaves. What kind of a bullshit date is this?
David and Chinet use slingshots to launch balloons filled with green slime at targets, and end up throwing them at each other. This brings back Nickel...
David and Chinet use slingshots to launch balloons filled with green slime at targets, and end up throwing them at each other. This brings back Nickelodeon slime memories I’d rather repress.
Natalie and D’Andre play truth or dare by shooting arrows into hanging bags of fruit labeled truth or dare. I would for sure injure myself and probabl...
Natalie and D’Andre play truth or dare by shooting arrows into hanging bags of fruit labeled truth or dare. I would for sure injure myself and probably the person I was with.
Tweed and Natalie put on costumey golf hats, socks, and sneakers, and hit golf balls into the ocean. Tweed, if you couldn’t tell from his name, is a p...
Tweed and Natalie put on costumey golf hats, socks, and sneakers, and hit golf balls into the ocean. Tweed, if you couldn’t tell from his name, is a professional golfer. I’d be okay with the naked-golfing part, but less okay being naked around a guy named Tweed.
Natalie and JT work out together — the nudity isn’t annoying so much as the fact that they’re trying to pass off exercise as a date.
Natalie and Malcolm do a photo shoot in which they re-create a romance-novel cover in costume. This becomes more embarrassing the more you think about...
Natalie and Malcolm do a photo shoot in which they re-create a romance-novel cover in costume. This becomes more embarrassing the more you think about it.
No. No dancing.
Like paddleboarding, but somehow even less graceful, Natalie and Darius have to wear gigantic inflatable shoes and travel through the water. Nobody lo...
Like paddleboarding, but somehow even less graceful, Natalie and Darius have to wear gigantic inflatable shoes and travel through the water. Nobody looks good doing this.
I can’t ride a bike, and revealing that naked would not be my preferred way to do so.
Who wants a seesaw near their naked butt???
David and Mary Jane go parasailing, and the belts seem to cause some chafing ... issues.
Natalie and Lance jump around the island in anti-gravity boots, which I can only imagine leads to wiping out while naked.
Nicole and David play basketball on these floating trampolines, which is really too much bouncing for one naked body to have to endure in front of a s...
Nicole and David play basketball on these floating trampolines, which is really too much bouncing for one naked body to have to endure in front of a stranger.
Georgie and David wear bike helmets with plungers stuck to them, then have to throw Hula-Hoops at each other in an attempt to loop them around the plu...
Georgie and David wear bike helmets with plungers stuck to them, then have to throw Hula-Hoops at each other in an attempt to loop them around the plunger like a terrible, terrible game of horseshoes.
Yoga class is usually just an opportunity to pay $20 to embarrass yourself, so doing naked aerial yoga is truly priceless.
Natalie and Joel play “hip thrust” croquet, in that the mallet is connected to their waist and hangs between their legs. The potential for humiliation...
Natalie and Joel play “hip thrust” croquet, in that the mallet is connected to their waist and hangs between their legs. The potential for humiliation and grievous bodily harm are both high.
As a chubby, bookish child, I played several seasons of recreational soccer, fully clothed, and it was torture. (Except for the orange slices, of cour...
As a chubby, bookish child, I played several seasons of recreational soccer, fully clothed, and it was torture. (Except for the orange slices, of course.) Watching Vinnie and Natalie play soccer naked and thinking of myself having to do the same made me want to lock myself in a closet and rock back and forth to make the memories go away.
This naked hip-hop dance class — complete with a routine Natalie does for Willie — is plucked straight from nightmares. I can barely dance clothed (in...
This naked hip-hop dance class — complete with a routine Natalie does for Willie — is plucked straight from nightmares. I can barely dance clothed (inner monologue: “Where do I put my hands? What do I do with my feet?”).
Natalie and David go swimming with sharks, which gets a big "hell no" from me either naked or clothed. Natalie even likes that David pushes ...
Natalie and David go swimming with sharks, which gets a big "hell no" from me either naked or clothed. Natalie even likes that David pushes her to be closer to the sharks, which I’m gonna go ahead and say is a huge red flag for them both. Though, isn't being on Dating Naked already a red flag?
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