This week’s penultimate episode of Rob & Chyna suffered what I can only assume a demonic dragon experiences in their final days of life. As we approach the death of this season (or series?), bile and emotional sludge seep from the mouths of our titular characters. Their relationship has crossed a line beyond repair, and we’re watching two adults puppeteer a cadaver they’re calling a relationship. Let’s see what fun awaits!
At home, Chyna accepts a visit from her Playmate friends who are twins, whose names I refuse to commit to any type of memory. They bring with them a papier-mâché kit to create a body cast of her pregnant belly. Chyna’s wary at first because she hasn’t shaved and she’s “hairy” down there. One twin offers to shape Chyna up, an offer I doubt she accepted since it didn’t make it to air. Her hairiness, however, doesn’t stop her from getting into a little white bikini bottom, leaving her chest bare for the mold.
After the body cast, Chyna and her friends take a dip in her metal-fenced-in pool. The twins are butt naked and Chyna twerks for them in the water.
Rob visits Chyna’s house, where they receive a massive shipment of designer baby clothes. Chyna pulls Rob aside to tell him that she thinks the clothes should stay at her house and he should move back in with her. Rob, not super excited about the idea, agrees. He also tells Chyna that he really needs to shake his weight off, since they were both super out of breath post-sex earlier that week.
Kris Jenner entertains Rob and Jonathan Cheban at her home. Jonathan and Rob haven’t seen each other in over four years, which is shocking since Jonathan practically lives with the KUWTK crew. Kris invited Rob over to get a screening by a nutritionist/doctor who has the ability to do a full panel of blood work on Kris Jenner’s kitchen island. Whatever this man’s medical history is, he concludes that Rob is out of the diabetic danger zone with his lowered glucose levels.
Rob heads to Chyna’s house to tell her the good news about his updated diabetes diagnosis; he also asks if he can not move into her house. Rob wants to start fresh and move into a home that belongs to the both of them. While she pounds raw steak, Chyna tells Rob that that’s not a good idea. She’s already asked her live-in best friend, Paige, to move out and thinks Rob needs to get settled in one aspect of his life before making big moves and decisions. Especially with a baby on the way. Rob tells her that he’s just uncomfortable in her house, so she says she’ll take this idea “into consideration.”
Later on, Chyna walks in on Paige, packing up her room. Paige and Chyna cry with one another because they don’t want to be separated. Chyna’s also anxious that Rob won’t get his act together and Paige’s move will be for naught.
Meanwhile, Rob drives Kourtney to a meeting about a clothing line he’s starting with his friend Nick. On the drive to the clothing warehouse, Rob tells Kourtney that he’s pulled out of the project, though it’s nearly been finalized multiple times before. At the warehouse, Kourtney and Rob browse T-shirts, army jackets, and a mixed variety of hats with “KAMP” scrawled across them. Kourtney likes the line and asks them to please make “dad hats.” She explains that that’s the only thing Rob’s sisters will wear to represent the brand. Nick says they can do that since it’s all just as easy as pressing print.
After his meeting, Rob makes a stop at Chyna’s house to tell her how it went. Chyna’s getting her nails done by Paige, and, between acrylic adhesives, Chyna tells Rob that the clothing line is a bad idea. She maintains that he needs to focus on one thing, like his health, do that well, and then move on to another project, like his clothing line or a house.
The next day, Rob and Chyna take a fateful trip to Chick-fil-A. Chyna’s gone inside the restaurant to pick up their food. When she returns to the car, the blistering flames of hell have already risen, cracking the pavement of Calabasas, seeping into their vehicle and over taking their bodies as they verbally assault one another over fallen French fries.
The silence in the car is only broken by Rob’s labored breaths and Chyna’s chicken-sandwich wrappers. Fries fall, and Rob tells Chyna “choose food or the phone.” Chyna glares at Rob and yells at him to hold his own food. Despite the fact he’s driving, Chyna tells Rob to put the food in his lap. He calls her “psycho” multiple times and says she has anger issues. Chyna continues to eat her own fries, the ones that didn’t fall, and this further angers Rob. Mad that his fries have taken a spill, and upset over Chyna’s anger, Rob now tells Chyna to take her tongue ring out and relax. In response to Rob calling her “rude and inconsiderate,” Chyna says that Rob is “lazy” and has a “chemical imbalance.” Rob’s baffled at Chyna’s vocabulary and accuses her of being too stupid to know the word imbalance. Fed up, and with a mouthful of food, Chyna slams the car camera and tells Rob to pull over. Rob does not.
Days after their fight, Chyna calls Kourtney for advice. Chyna was set to go to San Diego for a birthday party for Kris’s mom (MJ) with Rob, but Rob is now MIA. Kourtney tells Chyna that she understands her efforts to navigate Rob’s depression, and that she’s there to talk whenever. Chyna takes Kourtney’s advice to heart, but she still doesn’t trust Rob. So, after she shows Paige photos from her family photo shoot with Rob and Kylie Jenner’s pseudo-stepson, King, Chyna asks her not to move out. Paige, like anyone who is living anywhere rent-free, agrees that this is the best decision and unpacks her bags.
Shortly after Chyna tells Paige that she can stay, Chyna FaceTimes her mom, Tokyo Toni. At this point, Rob has blocked Chyna’s phone number and she can’t get in touch with him. Tokyo Toni has had it with Rob and asks Chyna why she even got pregnant in the first place. Chyna tells her mom that she just wanted another baby at the time. Tokyo Toni sighs and lets her daughter know that she’s just going to have to relieve herself of Rob and be a single mother again.
Even though Rob blocked her and she hasn’t seen him in days, Chyna still goes to San Diego to celebrate his grandmother’s birthday. Kris and all of her daughters are there as well. Chyna sits between Khloé and Kim Kardashian, and asks if Rob has blocked their numbers, too. He has. This surprises them since they were recently in contact with him and things were going well. Chyna’s not surprised at this or at Rob deleting all the photos from his Instagram. Kim isn’t surprised either. Mrs. West supposes Rob likes the drama and loves looking down at his phone to see hundreds of missed calls and texts. All right, make it plain, Kim!
Kim and Chyna step away from the group for a personal conversation. Chyna asks Kim for advice on how to handle Rob. She thinks they have separate ways of showing affection, which is causing a rift. Kim reminds Chyna that Rob has a lot to work on personally, so she can’t blame herself for any of his actions.
Back in Calabasas, Rob comes out of hiding to visit his mother, Kris Jenner. Kris asks where he’s been the past few days and why he didn’t contact her. Rob claims he was in Vegas and tells his mom to calm down. Kris is distressed by Rob’s erratic behavior, and starts crying. Kris begs him to at least respond to a text of hers when she leaves town, just so she knows he’s okay, because his behavior is not fair to her as his mother. Kris really shuts down any arguments Rob could have had otherwise, since it’s clear the very, very least he could do is shoot Kris an “ILY2” SMS every once in a while.
Well, dolls, God has blessed us with just one more week of Rob & Chyna and for that, we shall be grateful. Catch me here next week to see how this horror-themed mini-series ends and if any of our characters make it out alive. Until then.