A Conversation With Your Future Child About the 2016 Election

Photo: Photo credit: Murray Close/Lionsgate Entertainment

Your future daughter: Did you vote for the first female presidential candidate?

You: No, I was suspicious of her. I thought she was corrupt and I thought the whole country was going to hell and I wanted no part of it.

Your daughter: Did you vote for the Great and Powerful Emperor Trump?

You: No, he … He seemed … I just didn’t … [turns toward the nearest surveillance camera] I didn’t know then what a Just and Honorable Leader he would be, or how he would spread GREATNESS by taking over the Judicial branch and militarizing the Executive branch and standardizing 24-hour patriotic surveillance to Keep Us Safe and executing rabble-rousers and suppressing the Uprising and isolating the country from the rest of the world forever. Praised Be His Tremendous Name!

Your daughter: So you didn’t vote at all, in the years before the Darkness, when women and minorities could still vote?

You: Well. I was a little depressed. I didn’t do hard labor back then … it’s hard to understand if you weren’t there. I didn’t want to think about what was happening in the world at all.

Your daughter: So you just went to work that day, as usual?

You: Well, no, my office gave us the day off.

Your daughter: You had a whole day off?!

You: Sure, but that was before the crash of 2018, and WWIII hadn’t started yet, so …

Your daughter: So what did you do on that glorious day of rest?

You: I drank a bottle of wine and tweeted about how fucked everything was. I was just afraid of … I don’t remember, honestly. I remember feeling afraid and panicked all the time.

Your daughter: More than you are now?

You: Well, no, not even close to the way … You wouldn’t understand. The Great and Powerful Emperor Trump has changed so much … [turns to surveillance camera] for the better, by keeping us safe from the Scourge. Thanks Be to Emperor Trump Forever. [Sighs heavily.] You wouldn’t understand.

Your daughter: No, I probably wouldn’t. Thanks for fucking my life flatter than hammered shit, though, seriously. Good job.

A Conversation With Your Future Child About This Election