Taylor Swift and Zayn’s Fifty Shades Song Is Like an Emo Middle-School Diary Entry

Taylor Swift and Zayn Malik.

In a musical team-up that has shaken teendom to its very core, Taylor Swift has joined forces with squad boyfriend Zayn Malik to release a surprisingly sensual new song for the upcoming Fifty Shades Darker film (co-written by fellow squad boyfriend Jack Antonoff), now available on Apple Music.

While Zayn has already made the transition from boy-bander to stock photograph of Man Erotically Vaping, Swift isn’t traditionally known for her bedroom pop stylings, which makes the song a bit of a departure from her usual sound. But don’t be fooled by the sultry vocals — when you listen to the lyrics, turns out that Zayn and Tay are still the corny, emo teens they’ve always been.

Here’s Zayn, who goes from waiting for a phone call to full Nietzschean nihilist in the span of two lines.

Been sitting, eyes wide open behind these four walls hoping you’d call
It’s just a cruel existence like there’s no point hoping at all

It gets better, Zayn! But not before it gets worse:

Baby, baby, I feel crazy, up all night, all night and every day
Give me something, oh, but you say nothing
What is happening to me?

And here’s Taylor, quoting from her high-school Myspace page:

I’m sitting, eyes wide open and I got one thing stuck in my mind
Wondering if I dodged a bullet or just lost the love of my life

Poor Gigi. Can you imagine how stressful those third-wheel date nights must be?

I don’t wanna live forever, ‘cause I know I’ll be living in vain
And I don’t wanna fit (fit, babe) wherever (wherever)
I just wanna keep calling your name until you come back home
I just wanna keep calling your name until you come back home
I just wanna keep calling your name until you come back home

Fellow squad members, be prepared: Taylor Swift is going to make emo teen love poetry with your boyfriends and there is nothing you can do to stop her. Ryan Reynolds, commence vocal training immediately.

Taylor Swift and Zayn’s New Song Is an Emo Teen Diary Entry