One thing’s for sure in the Vanderpump Rules universe — allegiances may shift and friendships and romantic partners may come and go, but nobody ever really changes deep down. (A leopard-print tattoo can’t change its spots, etc.) Stassi’s behavior in this season’s seventh episode solidifies this.
It doesn’t start that way. Early on, she courteously asks Brittany if she can have Jax as a guest on her podcast Straight Up With Stassi. Brittany says sure, which Lisa later presses her on, but Brittany probably doesn’t care about her boyfriend hanging out with his ex because podcasting is the least erotic situation two people can find themselves in.
Meanwhile, Ariana has set up a makeshift Camp David in the SUR back alley in an attempt to get Lala, Katie, and Scheana to make up. Katie is not having it, but Scheana is willing to apologize for anything she’s said about Lala if only to move the damn plot away from Lala’s married boyfriend. A few hours later, Katie pulls Stassi into the alleyway to give her the rundown on what happened, and Stassi says that Scheana apologizing to Lala is “like one of the victims apologizing to Charles Manson,” which is both an overreaction and an analogy that needs some workshopping.
Scheana heads over to Jax and Brittany’s to recap the incident from the night before and shared that Stassi and Katie have been texting her about her grievous error in apologizing to Lala — Katie even told Scheana that she “repulsed” her. Jax explains that’s just par for the course with those three women and that’s he’s predicted every fight between them, like “Who’s the guy who predicted the end of the world? What was his name? Ghandi? What the fuck was his name?”
Moving on from Jax’s appalling grasp of history, Katie and Stassi tell Kristen about Scheana’s apology, and she doubles down on their sentiments. “We’re not here to dictate who people can be friends with,” Stassi says, earnestly believing her own words and prompting me to dribble a mouthful of Pumptini down my shirt.
Anyway, Jax goes on Stassi’s podcast and immediately divulges what Scheana told him and adds that he thinks they’re all “mean girls.” Stassi gives him a “sociopath quiz” while they’re recording, which is not very scientific but also [gestures to the previous four seasons of Jax footage]. He passes, and later Brittany admits that she doesn’t know what a sociopath is; she then reads the definition off her phone before concluding, “it’s not the worst thing I don’t think … not the end of the world.” Sweet Brittany.
Finally, it’s the day of Shay and Carter’s dual surprise birthday party. Scheana has been adamant about it being drama-free, but mixing the Vanderpump cast with a booze-filled pool party is the precise recipe for disaster. (Though, let’s be real, you could put them all in an empty room for 20 minutes and manage to get some Grade A footage.)
Jax stands in the pool gossiping with the Toms, explaining that it’s “three versus one again,” while Schwartz says that Stassi, Katie, and Kristen’s friendship is like the Mafia, prompting him to do a terrible impression of the Godfather. At one point, Schwartz also pulls Shay down to the basement to ask him for marital advice, which, uhhhhhhh [tugs collar].
As everyone gets drunker and drunker, the tension gets worse and worse. A series of mini-arguments blows up into a larger one when Stassi starts to scream at Scheana while poolside, and Scheana pulls Ariana over to explain what really happened with Lala. Stassi takes off to sob and scream in a basement bathroom (who among us?) and then they all gang up on Scheana, decrying her need to be liked by everyone. “Stop being a bitch, stop being an asshole,” Stassi demands. And in that moment, my eyes welled up with familiarity. Welcome back, Stassi.
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