10 Alternatives to Goop’s Sold-out Vaginal Jade Eggs

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Goop’s sold-out jade egg. Photo: Courtesy of Goop

In this day and age, if you’re looking to spend $60-plus dollars on a rock, you have to act fast.

After Nordstrom’s $85 leather rock pouch flew off the shelves back in December, the public’s insatiable appetite for overpriced minerals has continued apace. Goop’s $66 coveted jade vagina eggs — intended to “increase chi, orgasms, vaginal muscle tone, hormonal balance, and feminine energy in general” — have now also sold out online, despite multiple experts stating unequivocally that you should not put rocks in your vagina.

But if you insist on trying the trend, we’ve compiled some worthy alternatives:*

*Under no circumstances should you actually use these.

Kinder Eggs

Do Gwyneth Paltrow’s eggs come with a tiny plastic toy inside? We didn’t think so.

Photo: Richard Coombs / EyeEm/Getty Images/EyeEm

An Avocado

Bonus: You can repurpose for avocado toast later.

EOS Lip Balm

You know how you’re always losing your lip balm? At least now you’ll know exactly where it is.

Beauty Blender Makeup Sponge

Even more useful than we initially thought.

Photo: William Andrew/Getty Images

Fabergé Egg

The Rolls Royce of Kegel exercise tools.

Tamagotchi

Also the best way to keep your tamogatchi alive.

Weebles

Weebles wobble, but they don’t fall down — or out. 

Photo: Dave Jordano/Dave Jordano Photography, Inc.

Bar of Dove Soap

Think of the inspiring ad campaigns.

Photo: Getty Images for Aviva/Getty Images

The Gherkin in London

For ambitious vaginas.

Photo: Anthia Cumming/Getty Images

Actual Egg

Comes in packs of six or twelve. 

10 Alternatives to Goop’s Sold-out Vaginal Jade Eggs