Twenty-four-year-old Floridian “business owner” Corinne Olympios is this season’s Bachelor villain, and as we’ve seen from week one, she is not here to make friends. She’s here to cry, nap, take her shirt off, jump on bouncy castles, nap, cry, and drunkenly refer to herself in the third person. But I have a theory that’s about to blow this whole thing wide open: Corinne is not what she seems. She’s not an adult woman who chose to come on the show of her own volition. Rather, she is a preteen girl who got trapped in a Big and/or 13 Going on 30—style body-swap.
The implications, of course, are morally appalling, but they’re also scientifically profound, and make a whole lot of sense when considered in context. Here, the evidence:
1. She’s always sleeping.
Corinne was pictured napping three times during last night’s two-hour-long episode. She even slept through the Rose Ceremony, which is The Bachelor equivalent of sleeping through your own college graduation ceremony. Why? Because the Bachelor’s production schedule is a grueling marathon of sleep deprivation, and because Corinne is a 13-year-old girl who needs at least ten hours of sleep a night because her bones are still growing.
2. She has a nanny.
The big reveal of last night’s episode is that Corinne has a nanny. That’s right: a nanny. After waking up from one of her naps, groggy and tousled, she muses, “I need to get Raquel.” Then this exchange happens:
Corinne: “Raquel’s my nanny.”
Jasmine: “Do you have kids?”
Corinne: “No, I’m a kid.”
Sure, you could write this off as just another example of millennial entitlement. Or you could refer to Occam’s razor: Corinne is literally a child trapped in a grown woman’s body. She is trying fruitlessly to explain her plight and nobody is listening.
3. Her staple food items are cucumber slices and “cheese pasta.” Raquel does all sorts of things you might do for a child, like pack Corinne’s lunch.
“She makes sure that my bed is made every morning, makes my cucumber and vegetable slices for lunch, she makes me lemon salad, she knows exactly how much oil, lemon, and garlic I like,” explains Corinne, without batting an eyelash. “And cheese pasta. I have tried so many times to make cheese pasta and I can’t make cheese pasta like her.”
Which raises the question: What exactly is cheese pasta? Is it instant mac and cheese? Is it just un-sauced spaghetti with parmesan? Is Corinne one of those kids who is a total nightmare at sleepovers because she only eats “plain foods”? (Definitely).
4. She has no idea who the Backstreet Boys are.
This one’s a real red flag. Understandably, the rest of the contestants are really excited when beloved ‘90s teen band the Backstreet Boys show up to teach them the dance to their iconic song “Everybody (Backstreet’s Back).” Except for Corinne, who has no patience for these old men and their “planned dancing,” because when this song came out, she wasn’t born yet, and she’s really more of a Dolan Twins fan.
5. Her idea of a hot date involves a bouncy castle.
Jumping is fun!
6. She cries a lot.
To be fair, everyone on this show does.
7. Her job is obviously a lie.
Occasionally, Corinne will say vague things about her job, like “I would describe myself as a very serious businesswoman!” and “I run a multi-million-dollar company!” which is exactly what you would say if you were a 13-year-old trying to convince people that you had a job.
8. She chose to find her husband on The Bachelor.
If you accept the premise that Corinne is actually a preteen girl trying to pass as an adult because of a bizarre cosmic body-swap event, she actually ends up the most sympathetic person on the show, because only someone with the life experiences of a preteen girl should think that this is how romance works. “I think he’s so dreamy and cute, and I wanted to kiss him so bad!” she says of bachelor Nick. “I feel like you’re my, like, prince.” Poor, sweet Corinne. One day, I hope you too have the chance to experience real, grown-up love, the kind that isn’t manufactured and televised over the course of 12 weeks. For now, will someone please call Raquel to make this girl some cucumber slices and take her back to the Zoltar from whence she came?
Corinne is actually two tweens stacked in a trench coat (unlikely, but possible).