It’s always been abundantly clear that everyone on Vanderpump Rules would have approximately 100 percent fewer problems if they didn’t seek out the problems themselves. Take this episode, when Scheana, Kristen, Jax, et al. literally seek out James Kennedy at his DJ gig to … I’m not sure what, exactly. Make fun of him? For starters, he’s a restaurant DJ, which is already a self-own. It’s beyond me why you’d want to waste a Friday night watching a guy you hate DJ, but I guess that’s not taken into consideration when they draft up reality TV contracts.
The episode begins in a much calmer place — Villa Blanca, of the Vanderpump restaurant empire — where Lisa has enlisted Tom Sandoval and Ariana to walk head bartender Wesley through making a few trademark SUR cocktails, like Pink Juice and Giggy’s Vodka Soda. Tom tells Lisa that he’s going to try hypnotherapy with James to help him control his emotions, while Lisa thinks it’s bullshit and that he just needs to lay off the booze.
Cut to James, who’s having lunch with his mom, and finally telling her that he was fired from SUR and Pump. His mother, like all the other Vanderpump mothers, is a textbook enabler and feeds him that line about how everyone’s just jealous. Moms: I know you love your children and you want to protect them from the horrors of the world, but telling your children that the people who don’t like them are just jealous is not the way to do it. In nearly every instance, your kid is probably just an asshole. (Except for when my mom told me this.)
As lunch continues on, James reveals that he will be having his first live performance later that week — during which he will rap — so we have that fresh hell to look forward to. Also, his mom says that Kristen’s “karma” is that she won’t be able to have kids, proving the bass really doesn’t drop far from the tree.
Meanwhile, Brittany’s mom Sherri is finally leaving to go back to Kentucky, where she can self-tan and be homophobic in peace. During her last moments in Brittany and Jax’s apartment, she witnesses a fight between the two — leading her to insist, once again, that they should start going to church. Which begs the question: Can Jax even enter a church without bursting into flames, leaving nothing behind but his jaw implants?
Now comes the part of the episode where we have to talk about Katie and Tom Schwartz’s wedding (man, it’s going to be arduous going through their divorce proceedings in season seven). The Toms, Jax, and Ariana are shopping for groomsmen attire while the bridesmaids are meeting up at the only place they’re allowed to: over brunch. Through very natural back-and-forth texts, they’ve settled on New Orleans — Stassi’s home — for the bachelor and bachelorette parties, so watch this space for some messy, messy fights to come.
Afterward, Lisa has a conversation with Katie where she’s like, “Listen, bitch, you’re going to marry this guy in a few weeks, so you need to stop fighting so much.” Do you think Lisa and Ken have ever had a fight? No, I don’t think so either.
It is finally time for James to get hypnotized, which is something that Tom Sandoval has done before and keeps earnestly vouching for, because of course he has and he is. During this session, James says he wants to make music and show people he’s not a joke — and it’s not like we needed confirmation that James is secretly insecure, but here it is anyway.
Tom goes to meet Ariana and Scheana — who’ve just been horseback-riding — after the hypnotherapy session. I did not guess that Ariana was a secret horse girl, but, you know, it’s all coming together. They talk about Tom Schwartz and Katie signing a prenup and Scheana is very against the idea, which, uh … [tugs collar]. Meanwhile, Tom Schwartz and Katie realize that a) the prenup costs $2,500 to sign, which is almost more than their assets, and b) Katie has more money than Tom does.
There are a couple of little scheming scenes in between, in which Scheana tells Ellie about James’s upcoming show and Brittany tells Jax the same and they all decide they’re gonna go and “confront James.”
But first we enter the stage where drama was destined to unfold: a paint-and-sip studio, where Katie, Ariana, and their respective Toms are on a double date, plus Stassi. Tom Schwartz says he wants to make sure that Stassi and Ariana are cool, and Ariana’s all “whatever,” but Stassi just can’t let the bridal-shower conversation go. It’s funny to watch Ariana out-maneuver Stassi: Ariana may hate Stassi, but she won’t ever take her bait, because that would ultimately give Stassi what she wants.
And finally we arrive at the club where James is putting on his live show. Tom Sandoval asks Jax why he’s there, and Jax says it’s not for the entertainment but because he has an “interior motive.” Anyway, James DJs, he raps, it’s very bad, and then the real mess starts.
SUR hostess GG, who claims that James cheated on Raquel with her, confronts Raquel about it. Raquel is all “uh why are you so obsessed with my boyfriend” (sweet Raquel). Meanwhile, GG asks the pageant queen a question that has perplexed feminist theorists for decades: “Isn’t it like, a quality of, like, a Miss California to be like, feminism?” James gets off the stage, gets slapped, and the whole night goes to hell … and, in a way, everyone got what they were looking for.
Read past Vanderpump Rules recaps here.