Here Is What Hillary Clinton’s Cabinet Definitely Would’ve Looked Like

What could have been.

On Tuesday, as hearings kick off for Trump’s transparently unethical cabinet picks, we learned what Hillary Clinton’s cabinet would have looked like had she won. Political reporter Mike Allen compiled the list based on several interviews he had with “numerous Clinton insiders,” while I created a different list based entirely on insight from a raspy-voiced source who called me from burner phones and asked only to be identified as “Cill Blinton.”

Secretary of State: Katy Perry

Deputy Secretary of State: Kitty Purry

Treasury Secretary: The Lean In audiobook on loop

Defense Secretary: Mark Ruffalo’s dong

Attorney General: Lena Dunham

Commerce Secretary: A Nasty Woman T-Shirt

Labor: A Starbucks cup

HHS: A vial of Matt McGorry’s tears

Energy Secretary: Leonardo DiCaprio’s Prius

Education Secretary: Lin Manuel-Miranda

EPA: Al Gore (“Hillary really wanted a millennial in this role.”)

Budget Director: How about you tell us, in three emoji or less?

U.N Ambassador: J.K. Rowling (“Her experience likening various people and situations to Voldemort shows crucial knowledge of the global arena.”)

Director of National Intelligence: Everyone involved in the a capella rendition of “Fight Song”

CIA Director: Joint position shared by John Podesta’s risotto recipe and Henry Kissinger

SEC Chair: The Wall Street Bull

Big Jobs: This baby

Photo: Courtesy of YouTube/All Political Ads

And none for you, David Brock.

What Hillary Clinton’s Cabinet Would’ve Looked Like