unwifeable

50 Things Women Think About When Masturbating

Hey, whatever works.

The new 50 Shades movie Darker is out today, and all I can think about is that woman who was caught masturbating in the movie theater when the original came out in 2015. Why? Because most women I know aren’t into the standard-fare Anastasia Steele–style submission fantasies. In reality, women’s fantasies are far more diverse. To fully demonstrate the spectrum, I’ve gathered wide-ranging answers to the question, “What do you think about when you masturbate?”

1. A DIRTY SHIRT: “I’m always conjuring up the smell of this shirt one of my college boyfriends wouldn’t wash. It smelled of cigarette and campfire smoke, patchouli, paint, and weeks of sweat.” —Amy, 42

2. FROZEN PEAS: “The first time I came I was really young, and it coincided with a dream about me sliding over bags of frozen peas. When I come I still imagine what this sensation would feel like and it works every time.” —Maggie, 27

3. SOUNDTRACK: “I listen to Blink-182 and Bowling for Soup and picture my most manipulative ex — then push him away and see the nice ones who have always been about me and my pleasure. I let them sing pop punk to me.” —Grace, 23

4. GAME OF ORGASMS: “When Khal Drogo snapped off Khaleesi’s clothes on their wedding night.” —Ayanna, 35

5. IRL: “My mind goes straight to the second date with my partner. After a few hours of amazing conversation, he pushed me down into his living-room couch and went down on me.” —Destiny, 24

6. HEARTS: “I found scrolling the NY-based men’s fashion mag Adon’s Instagram always gets me insta-horny.” —Emily, 36

7. REVERENCE: “I once was with a woman I love and respect pleasing a man we both love and respect. Our lips wrapped around in a kind of kiss. Up and down.” —Betsy, 39

8. HISTOIRE D’O: “Public arenas with a ton of people. And it’s always very submissive and Story of O inspired.” —Amelia, 26

9. HEMOPHILIA: “I imagine two sexy guys having a Fight Club moment over me and they’re both covered in blood after almost destroying each other. I end up in bed with them both, blood getting mixed with kisses and sweat.” —Ashley, 32

10. CLANDESTINE: “When I was in my 20s, I had an affair with my much older, married boss. Thinking about it sends me over the edge.” —Elizabeth, 44

11. POLICE BLOTTER: “I imagine someone I’m not supposed to be with, but we’re held at gunpoint by a perverse madman. We have no choice but to have the most passionate sex ever.” —Lara, 41

12. PULP FICTION: “I am deep into one of my Quentin Tarantino phases right now. I’ll have one of his movies on and imagine he’s directing me as I masturbate.” —Kellie, 46

13. INTERNATIONAL: “I imagine a fictitious Brazilian guy with long hair sensually caressing my body. Particularly my breasts.” —Natalie, 47

14. MAIL ORDER: “Whenever I order something from Postmates, I secretly hope that some really hot delivery guy will show up and give me more than just my morning coffee.” —Randi, 36

15. HOCKEY: “I picture my crush getting knocked unconscious by a defenseman, lying motionless in a heap on the ice for several seconds as the game clock stops. His teammates gather around and he is carried off the rink on a stretcher.” —Cassie, 32

16. SWIPE RIGHT: “I remember the night I connected with a hot stranger on Tinder, had him park outside my apartment and without knowing anything about each other or even saying a word had steamy sex in his car and then on the hood.” —Hannah, 26

17. HANDS: “Rough skin and strong fingers. I think of the way they feel around my wrists, holding me down, totally in control.” —Lily, 34

18. CARNIVAL: “In the movie Fear, the roller-coaster scene where Mark Wahlberg finger-bangs Reese Witherspoon on the ride. I’ve been fantasizing about that moment since I was in the sixth grade.” —Lee, 32

19. CONTROL: “A frequent fantasy is getting fucked by my boyfriend in a sex club, blindfolded, while simultaneously getting touched by strangers approved or disapproved by him.” —Carissa, 29

20. VERBAL: “I love dirty talk so I think about a meaningless hookup where the guy tells me what a slut I am.” —Sabrina, 45

21. BOUND: “I visualize a room of people watching me forced to pleasure multiple men while I’m tied down.” —Rachelle, 31

22. MEDICAL: “A doctor friend works me over to ‘relieve stress.’” —Elisabeth, 66

23. N/A: “I’m not a masturbator. I like to have tantric sex with my man and be in the moment. I never have outside thoughts.” —Maya, 40

24. DOMINANCE: “I think of my current guy coming home and taking what he wants and not stopping until I feel completely used.” —Mia, 26

25. EDUCATIONAL: “I masturbate about the threeway I had in Yeshiva with two other girls.” —Gwen, 41

26. COMEDIAN: “The cinema of Gilbert Gottfried. Particularly the Problem Child movies.” —Janet-Ann, 36

27. INFIDELITY: “Walking in on my boyfriend cheating on me with one of his clients on the couch of our apartment.” —Mary, 30

28. TIME: “My primary fantasy is to have endless hours of pleasure, eschewing the quickies that dominate both my sex and masturbatory life.” —Victoria, 27

29. REAL TALK: “I don’t even have time to fantasize about fantasies.” —Margaret, 32

30. SWANK: “I’m straight but I think about women. It’s kind of faceless, like a sexy brunette, and we go to a hotel to fool around and cheat and no one finds out.” —Kim, 43

31. SLEEPING: “I have a fantasy of being totally passed out asleep and my man entering me from the back while I lie on the side.” —Sonia, 34

32. A SICILIAN MESSAGE: “Sonny Corleone having sex with the bridesmaid against the door in The Godfather.” —Cat, 38

33. INNOCENCE: “This is kind of messed up, but I think about having sex with a teenage boy (like 18, I’m not a pedo). I lost my virginity on the older side and never experienced the awkwardness of high-school sex so the fantasy of how grateful/excited he would be is very pure in my mind.” —Laura, 30

34. SCHOOLGIRLS: “We’re learning what pleasure is really all about. Oddly this scenario always occurs in the gym-class changing rooms.” —Jools, 48

35. STRANGER: “A random man walks in while I am nude and pleasuring myself. I don’t stop. Instead I open myself up as he goes down on me.” —Jessica, 50

36. BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN: “When Ennis used spit to get it going.” —Eileen, 50

37. LIFE IS A HIGHWAY: “I think about the guy who used to drive me around — I would take my top off and play with my boobs and tease the truck drivers.” —Rena, 50

38. JEALOUSY: “The other Victoria’s Secret models are mad at me for being too hot. Then my boyfriend, who’s just floating abs, carries me up a flight of stairs.” —Kelsey, 25

39. VOYEURISM: “I look over toward the almost-closed door. I imagine there is someone there, peeking back in.” —Ali, 35

40. DADDY ISSUES: “I think of him looking down at me asking, ‘Do you feel good, princess?’ I answer, ‘Yes, daddy,’ my eyes roll back, and I drift away.” —Jacqueline, 24

41. EX PARTY: “I fantasize about my husband and my ex in a threeway all about me.” —Katie, 33

42. POST-GAME: “I like to imagine this scenario my ex once sexted. He was with his football team back from a big win and told me to sneak into the locker room, describing all the dirty things we’d do in the showers.” —Samantha, 24

43. MUSICIAN: “I have a crush on this long-haired boy in a band. I fantasize about him taking me in the bathroom after the show.” —Whitney, 33

44. GREEK: “I like watching porn and tend to look for things that the stereotypical fratty bro watches.” —Vanessa, 31

45. POWER: “I just replay that moment when a former lover asks, ‘I can’t wait any longer. Is it okay to come?’” —Zoe, 30

46. TOM HARDY: “Tom Hardy.” —Casey, 30

47. HIGHLIGHT REEL: “Every time I’m close and about to come, I imagine a smattering of the perfect dicks I’ve been with teasing me with the tip.” —Erica, 30

48. MMF THREESOME: “I am in the middle of this hot man sandwich. The dream of two cocks in me at the same time is always sure to get me off.” —Megan, 30

49. TACTILE: “Riding repulsively obese men with laughably small penises. Something about having their fat stomachs rubbing on my clit and my 100-pound body crushing them. And I’m usually doing it for money.” —Terry, 34

50. TRUE ROMANCE: “I just think about guys I love.” —Cindy, 34

50 Things Women Think About When Masturbating