I Wish I Were Larry David’s Cool Daughter

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Cazzie David’s Instagram. Photo: Courtesy of Instagram/cazziedavid

Lifestyle content is all about aspiration, which is code for making people envy you and shop accordingly. In our series I Like This Bitch’s Life, the Cut bitterly admits that it’s working.

Here’s what I know about Cazzie David, the 23-year-old daughter of Larry and ex-wife Laurie David.

Her name is Cazzie, which as far as I know is not short for anything (her younger sister’s name is Romy, also not short for anything). She is, obviously, richer than God. She has a vintage Seinfeld jacket that she sometimes wears out, and she doesn’t care if people think it’s lame (as she captioned the picture: “wearing this in public idgaf”). She generally doesn’t G an F about stuff, which she demonstrates by posing for “ugly” selfies, or writing comments without any capitalization: “jc jc” “pic I took” “we rly don’t care” or simply the word “OK.” She has all the trappings of a Gone Girl–style millennial cool girl, but with an added layer of self-awareness. As she explained in a guide to Instagramming she wrote for Vanity Fair: “We all know captions can make or break a photo. Like Hemingway once did, I try to restrain myself to six words. These captions show how ‘little thought’ went into posting the photo, even though a ton of thought went into it because you are following these rules.” Cazzie David is funny — of course she is — she’s Larry David’s daughter.

Other fun facts: Cazzie’s favorite meal is breakfast, and her favorite food is waffles. Her other favorite foods are s’mores and charcuterie platters. She has the best possible combination of pets: a goldendoodle and rare domestic cat, one of the ones that look like a small leopard, possibly a Savannah cat or a Bengal. Neither of them appears to be a rescue.

Cazzie likes to swim, preferably in aquamarine golf course pools or in pristine beaches in tropical resort towns. When she’s not wearing a bathing suit, she’s generally wearing pajamas, or some form of loose-fitting yet beautifully made loungewear. This preference is so well-established that she even has a monogrammed pair of pajamas that says “Cazzie David only wears pajamas.” Every bed and couch she lies on appears to be insanely comfortable: L-couches the size of school buses, hammocks covered in fur, voluptuous oversize beds with the shape and density of marshmallows.

Are there hard things about being the daughter of the world’s most famous neurotic? I bet. Does Larry sometimes take her and her friends out for waffles, and then Larry gets mad about some perceived slight by one of the waitstaff and storms out of the restaurant, leaving Cazzie to have to apologize to her friends and surrounding onlookers for her dad’s outburst? Definitely. Did some of Larry’s anxieties get passed on? Likely so, and they’ll be great fodder for a memoir or semi-autobiographical sitcom pilot later in life. Does Cazzie have an expensive therapist to work through these issues? Probably, but she’s 23, so she’s still on her parents’ health insurance. Plus, there are some demonstrable perks to being the daughter of comedy royalty. Cazzie David gets to go to SNL whenever she wants. She gets front-row tickets to Justin Bieber concerts and Knicks games. She goes to the Oscars and the Vanity Fair after-party. She gets to borrow stuff from her dad’s chic normcore wardrobe. Sometimes, they go on fun father-daughter outings together, like touring all the Civil War battlefields. Do you know how much people would pay to have Larry David tour them around all the Civil War battlefields? Cazzie gets to do that for free whenever she wants.

Cazzie occupies the center of an enviable Venn diagram: hot millennials and celebrity daughters, two pillars of aspirational lifestyle content. But while I have spent more than a few hours scrolling through the feeds of an Alexis Ren or a Kylie Jenner, Cazzie has a certain personable, down-to-earth vibe that sets her apart from your average Instagram heiress. In the realm of quirky, neurotic Jewish girls who love comedy, Cazzie represents the platonic ideal, the kind of person you’d cast in an idealized movie version of your own life. She’s perfected an aesthetic that my younger self strove for: ironic, simultaneously high-strung and laid-back, subtly bookish while also being cartoonishly hot, blessed with a charcoal-hair-and-green-eyed combo that I thought only existed among designer Labradoodles and Disney princesses. By all metrics, I should hate Cazzie David. But I don’t. Gazing upon her feed, scrolling through picture after picture of lavish breakfast platters and elite photo-booth selfies, I have to admit: Oy vey, I like this bitch’s life.

As I mentioned, a lot of Cazzie’s appeal comes from being self-aware. As she also wrote in her Vanity Fair Instagram opus: “You want to have the perfect balance of hot and funny on your Instagram, but you never want too much of either … Don’t try to add humility to your blatant ‘hot’ posts through a half-hearted attempt at being funny. You look good, just own it.” You know what? Amen. Who among us wouldn’t like to own it like this bitch does?

In the few interviews she has given, Cazzie has relatably described herself as “the most anxious, least chill person ever.” In no way do I want to underplay how hard it is to live with anxiety; I know that no matter how cool you look, your inner landscape doesn’t always match the outside, and no number of poolside charcuterie platters can calm the turbulence within. But frankly, this knowledge only makes me like this bitch’s life more. In times of duress, you can imagine her choosing to pop a Xanax (which Cazzie, inspired by the rapper Future, calls “xanny”).

Cazzie has a serious boyfriend, SNL’s youngest cast member and resident hot guy Pete Davidson. Pete has many tattoos, at least one of which he allegedly got for Cazzie. Here’s what Pete told People magazine when asked for a comment on their relationship: ‘“I just love her very, very much.” He could have said “no comment,” but that’s what he said. Cazzie and Pete seem like one of those couples who are super fun to be around, and yet the intensity of their connection means you’ll always feel just a little bit left out, like they’re always sharing in some inside joke you just can’t crack. I bet they spend a lot of their time together “doing bits” and making wry callbacks to earlier conversations.

While I feel a bit weird coveting the life of a celebrity heiress, I console myself with the fact that Cazzie seems to have a good head on her shoulders. She recently graduated from Emerson. She phone-banked for Hillary. She idolizes Amal Clooney. Much like her mom, an environmentalist who produced An Inconvenient Truth and its sequel, Cazzie cares about the fate of the planet. She went to the Women’s March (the one at Sundance, but whatevs). Here’s what Cazzie said in an interview, when asked about politics: “The election result has left me deeply disturbed as it has untold millions. Every aspect of it is hard to fathom but I’ve been trying to read as much as I can about it to stay informed so I can act diligently and accordingly. There is so much at stake so there has never been a more important time to be engaged as a citizen, except for obviously before the election …”

Of course, being a celebrity kid isn’t a privilege you can coast on forever; being the daughter-of-so-and-so is a descriptor that becomes less and less glamorous with each passing year. But for a while, in that sweet spot between adolescence and adulthood, what could be better? The bliss of the celebrity child — particularly one with a “cool” parent in a covetable industry — is that you have access to all the awesome things about adult success without actually having had to earn them yourself. And perhaps this is what I like most about this bitch’s life: not the waffle platters or the swimming pools, the goldendoodles or the lavish parties, but the sense of possibility that comes from having every opportunity at your fingertips — old enough to make the most of it but still young enough to enjoy it.

I Wish I Were Larry David’s Cool Daughter