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Nighttime Voice-mails From the White House

DONALD:

Hi Kellyanne, it’s DJT. I can’t sleep. I keep thinking about Flynn. Remember that weird pen he had that made camera noises? I think it was a camera. I’m going to walk around. You told me to call you if I ever I left the TV room, so I’m calling you. Heads up, I’m in a golf shirt and some Hanes. You made me throw out my bathrobes. This is on you.

DONALD:

Hey Melania. Happy Valentine’s Day. I got you another month in New York. It’s worth about four million dollars or something. I threw in a Skype seat at my press briefing. You can do a fun filter. This is DJT. Call me back.

DONALD:

Hey Kellyanne, it’s DJT. I’m still walking around. I’m hearing the voices again. You told me to tell you what they said, so I’m telling you. Right now, it’s just Andie MacDowell from the movie Green Card. She’s telling me about some skirt she just bought at a flea market, and how much she loves it. I’m not crazy. I just hear Andie MacDowell in my head sometimes. Don’t be a baby about it. My hands are still sore from the hand towels on Air Force One. Call me back.

SEAN SPICER:

Kellyanne? It’s Sean. I’m at Breitbart getting a massage, and I just got a call from someone on the cleaning crew of the East Wing who said that the president is wandering around in briefs and talking about the movie Four Weddings and a Funeral. Apparently, his hair is combed down, and the cleaning person said it was, quote, “Scary as fuck.” Please tell me that’s not actually happening. Because I can’t. I just can’t anymore.

(calling off)

Press harder. Harder. It’s okay if it hurts.

(back into phone)

Call me back.

DONALD:

Hey Jared. I want to throw Flynn a good-bye party at Mar-a-Lago this weekend. I want it to be incredibly tasteful. I want a cake that looks like a pizza. I want a fake cow, and then we can do a “Fake Moo’s” thing. I want you to sing a little Jewish song. I want the Jewish song to be about golf. Oh! You said you wanted to talk to me about Steve Bannon, what’s going on? Call me back.

STEVE BANNON:

Hi Jared, this is Steve Bannon. I just wanted to say I’m sorry for scaring you this morning in the kitchen. You were just trying to get some almond milk for your coffee out of the fridge, and you didn’t expect me to be standing there wearing a demon mask, and I apologize. I saw it on Saturday Night Live, and I thought it was funny, so I bought one from a well-rated seller on Amazon Prime, but I know it scares people. And I also know it smells bad. Kellyanne said the smell was “really specific.” Anyway, you’ll be happy to know that I have thrown out the demon mask, so I will no longer be wearing it around. It’s totally gone. And, once again, I just wanted to say, I’m sorry for scaring you and making you drop all the almond milk on the floor — Hey. Hey. Why do almonds make milk? They don’t have babies! I’m just kidding. I know what almond milk is. I lived in California. Anyway, very sorry. The mask is gone. Talk soon. Call me back.

JARED:

Hi Kellyanne, it’s Jared. DJT got out of his TV room. We need a better system. You are dealing with this. I can’t go back to the White House at night until I have confirmation that Bannon isn’t wearing that fucking demon mask around anymore. Call me back on Friday at 10 p.m. Psych.

IVANKA

Hi Justin? We met recently at the White House. It’s … Ivanka. I just … I wanted to say hi. I was just thinking about pancakes, and then I was thinking about maple syrup, and then I was thinking about Canada, and then I was just like: I should call Justin! So … anyway. Hi. It’s Ivanka. Oh my god, I already said that. Would you ever, like, would you ever call me back and just speak to me in French a little bit? You could just say any French words. Like Hamburger. Can you just call me back and say “hamburger” very slowly? It’s for a friend. Oh sorry, I have to go — Jared is pretty upset about something that happened today at work. Call me back.

DONALD:

Hey Reince. Yeah right, like I would ever call you. Your name sounds like “Rancid Penis.” Bye.

DONALD:

Hey Reince. Don’t tell anyone, but you’re my favorite. Bye.

IVANKA:

Hi Justin. It’s Ivanka again. Do you like Cirque du Soleil? Because I’m, like, randomly thinking about going to Montreal in the next week or so, and I thought maybe you’d want to go with me? Quick favor: Can you call me back and say, “I like gravy on my fries” in French, but like really slowly? It’s for a friend. Thanks. Call me back.

DONALD:

Hey Jared. No big deal, but I’m standing at the top of a flight of stairs that’s about a thousand feet high. There’s no way I’m going down these stairs alone. No way. Forget it. I’m going down on my butt. That’s the safest way. No. Too high. Way too high. There are at least 400 stairs, and they are 5,000 feet high. I’m above the tree line. Call me back.

DONALD:

Hey Kellyanne, it’s DJT, and no joke, I’m at the top of a flight of stairs that’s 15,000 feet high, and I tried to go down on my butt, and my Hanes came off, and this is on you, and, and …

(whispered)

I think Stephen Miller is following me. I saw his face coming out of the shadows in a doorway. He might be wearing one of my bathrobes. I saw him pick it out of the trash and kind of snuggle with it a little bit. I thought he was kidding, but now I think he might have kept it. He might have been watching me this whole time from the goddamn shadows. How fast can you get here?

(a beat)

If you see me, don’t be scared — I combed my hair down, so it’s down to my shoulders. I look like David Crosby. That’s an old reference. Oh my god, someone just laughed.

(a beat)

I think it was Stephen Miller. He laughed at my David Crosby joke. How does he know who that is? He’s a child. I’m freaked out. Have you ever seen him eat? I’ve never seen him eat. I saw him sucking on a piece of licorice once, but he wasn’t chewing it. Please get here soon. Call me back.

STEPHEN MILLER

Hiiiii. Mr. President. It’s Stephen. Hi.

DONALD:

(whispered)

Kellyanne. Stephen just called me. I didn’t pick up. He left a voice-mail. What’s happening? Aaaaahhh!

SEAN SPICER:

Hi Kellyanne, it’s Sean. Apparently POTUS fell down a flight of stairs last night. He says he saw a demon. He’s fine. Fuck, I don’t know if he’s fine. We think he’s fine. Also, it’s possible that Ivanka showed up at Justin Trudeau’s hotel room last night dressed up as a Canadian Mountie and made some off-color comments using the word Mountie. No, it wasn’t very creative. Also, I quit. Also, someone from Breitbart is painting my house for free, is that allowed? Call me back.

STEVE BANNON

Hi Jared. Good morning. The truth is: I didn’t throw the demon mask away. I like to wear it, because when I wear the mask, it makes me feel comfortable. I feel like I can just be myself. I like that it smells bad, and that it scares people. Especially women. I like when girls cry. It’s so … it’s so funny to me. When I wear this mask, my whole body just goes ugggh. I just relax. I can’t — I don’t know if I should be telling you this, but I can’t shit unless I’m wearing this mask. I mean I can sort of shit, but I can’t really shit. You know?

Here’s a question. This is a little bit of a non sequitur, but why can you say “I don’t like beet salad” but you can’t say, “I don’t like black people?” I just don’t like beet salad. Do you see what I’m saying? Call me back.

DONALD

Kellyanne! Morning! Nothing happened last night. Let’s fire Reince. Call me back.

Nighttime Voice-mails From the White House