American Girl — the premiere producer of toys with accessories more expensive than most humans’ — announced that, for the first time ever, they’re making a male doll. So on February 16, children everywhere will be able to throw tantrums begging their parents to purchase Logan Everett, a character who lives in Nashville and plays the drums in a band with another new American Girl addition, Tenney Grant.
After reading up on Logan, we realized that he sounded way too familiar. If you’ve also had that eerie feeling, we invite you to take our quiz: new American Girl doll or your ex-boyfriend?
• He has an interchangeable first and last name.
• He only owns two shirts, a plaid button-up and an ill-fitting graphic tee.
• He exclusively wears boxer briefs and doesn’t change them enough.
• He plays in a terrible band.
• You’re suspicious of his unconventionally named female friend who’s also in his band, and even though he swears he’s never hooked up with her, you can tell that he’s lying.
• He has an inconvenient drum kit that he insists on moving with him everywhere he lives.
• The joints in his hands are literally deformed from constant drumming.
• He comes with more baggage than you bargained for, sometimes in the form of expensive miniature accessories.
• Your parents don’t understand why you want him.
• Society tells you that you need him, but you really don’t.
So … new American Girl Doll or your ex-boyfriend? Trick question: Logan Everett is both! Happy Valentine’s Day.