alternative diets

Lemon Water, Rusty Nails, and Roadkill: What Steve Bannon Eats in a Day

Steve Bannon.

Steve Bannon is busier than ever these days. The former head of Breitbart News and white nationalist favorite has recently started his new gig as President Donald Trump’s chief strategist, where he’s spent his days crafting a Muslim ban, attacking the press, surreptitiously joining the National Security Council, and generally undermining our constitutional values whenever he can.

With a schedule like his, you have to wonder what he eats to keep up his bloated and rosacea-laden visage — it’s not easy to look like evil is rotting you from the inside!

Here’s a peek inside his food diary:

Breakfast:

The first thing I do when I wake up is drink a glass of room-temperature water with lemon.

Next up is a quick 20-minute guided meditation when I listen to an audio loop of people screaming in agony — it’s like whale sounds for me. So soothing.

Once I’m fully relaxed, I make a bowl of oatmeal. No water or almond milk for me though — it’s so much better when you cook it in 100-proof gin. Once it’s done, I add another half-bottle of gin for flavor, then sprinkle it with rusty nails and just a little bit of maple syrup.

Lunch:

After a hectic morning of whispering exactly what to do next in Donald’s ear, it’s time for another Sad Desk Lunch. I’ve been trying to watch my carbs lately, so I made zoodles — kind of like spaghetti, but it’s made with zucchini instead of pasta. I top that off with a roadkill raccoon just plopped right on there and dig into the whole thing with my bare hands.

Jared thinks it’s gross, but he should really give zoodles a chance.

Afternoon Snack:

A lot of people ask me how to get skin that makes it look like flies should be circling my head at all times, so I’ll let you in on my secrets: For starters, I wash my face with a custom blend of beef grease and cesspool essence every single morning.

Then, every afternoon, I eat a whole, protein-filled snack, like a handful of roasted kitten souls.

Dinner:

Ugh, it’s always so hard to keep up with your diet at dinnertime. I give in and get a bread bowl from Panera, then take it home so I can fill it with my favorite 50-50 blend of locusts and toads. I’m still hungry, so I devour an entire rat king while scrolling through my favorite Breitbart posts.

Dessert:

A single square of dark chocolate.

Lemon Water and Roadkill: What Steve Bannon Eats in a Day