dirtbag fashion

How to Dress for Allergy Season

Allergy sufferers, assemble.

Oh great — it’s allergy season again. Nose red. Eyes watering. You can hardly breathe. Oh look — is that beloved Star Wars actor Oscar Isaac walking down the street in your direction? Is he …gesturing to you in a romantic way? No. It’s not even an adult man. It’s a child on a scooter. And he’s giving you the finger.

It’s not your fault you can’t see clearly. Allergies are blurring your vision.

Yes it’s true — allergies are back. As are the people who say they’re “fake,” to which you are entitled to respond, “You are fake.” I know that allergies are real because as I’m typing this, I can’t tell what words I’m producing, on account of my blurred vision and foggy brain. Alligator.

The question on every person’s lips, and clogging everyone’s nose, is, once allergy season arrives, and once enormous quantities of Claritin have been dutifully acquired, what is a girl to wear? How can you practically bleed snot out of your eyeballs while also looking fresh and chic? Should Oscar Issac be gesturing romantically in your direction, is there a way to blithely gesture back sporting a single-shoulder cutout top that exposes the only part of your body that isn’t suffering from pollen overdose? (Shoulder.) Frankly, no. But here are some fashionable alternatives.

Beekeeper’s Outfit

Beekeeping is a very serious and dangerous occupation. You wanna go hang out with hundreds — or even thousands — of bees? I don’t think so. But if you want to protect your entire body from the onslaught of pollen that is messing up your whole life, night and day, then I recommend investing in a beekeeper’s outfit. They even come in many different, pleasing colors and patterns. For example:

Style! Photo: Courtesy of glorybee.com

A Hazmat Suit

It seems like only yesterday that J.Crew creative director Jenna Lyons reintroduced the world to neon brights paired with even more neon patterns. While Lyons has now moved on to other things, you can carry on her legacy by donning a highlighter-yellow hazmat suit — appropriate for spring, loosely fit, and it gives you the full-face coverage that your sinuses desperately crave.

Motorcycle Helmet

Never in history has someone looked at a person with a motorcycle helmet on and thought, “That girl is evolutionarily weak, a thing I can tell by how much she is sneezing at the botanical gardens.” That is because people who ride motorcycles are capital-C Cool. So why not wander through the botanical gardens on a warm spring afternoon wearing a motorcycle helmet? The best-case scenario is that people will whisper, “She must be some sort of biker-slash-fashion insider.” They’ll be none the wiser.

Skin Suit

Feeling like a sexy night out on the town? Want to show off those luscious curves, perhaps to get the attention of someone who looks just enough like Oscar Isaac when you have one eye closed? A full-body skin suit, the kind that adult men feel wrongly emboldened to wear on occasions like Halloween and Mardi Gras, should give you the allure you’ve been lacking and the necessary suction over your mouth, nose, and eyes that will filter out any allergens determined to hurt your game.

Neti Pot As Purse

If you’re like me, your Neti Pot bides its time all-year-long underneath your sink, waiting for the two months that it can really come out of its box and shine. But a Neti Pot cannot be found under every person’s sink, or in a restaurant, or a bar, or at the office, or at the circus, which you go to sometimes, wearing a motorcycle helmet. This means you must carry your Neti Pot with you wherever you go. You know what a Neti Pot could also be useful for? Carrying some change. Or an extra hair tie. Or a couple-a hard candies.

Purse! Photo: Jessica Boone/Getty Images

Live Underwater

Mermaids are currently having a hot moment in the zeitgeist. Have you ever seen a mermaid toting a box of tissues as an accessory? I say, try living underwater.

How to Dress for Allergy Season