How nice — the temperature is slowly zigzagging its way toward summer warmth, heralding the arrival of “the horny time.” Go forth and tell the world: The horny time is here, and so am I. Let’s do this.
There are many ways of broadcasting that sentiment in the real, physical world, but how best to do so in a digital space? It’s not a easy as it seems. Outright saying “I’m horny” is too much; it’s off-putting. The eggplant or any other genital stand-in is too graphic to be an effective initiation — that’s a gesture for later, once the horny baseline has been established. What you need is a simple visual that coyly and nonverbally conveys the message, “I am horny.”
Recently, I saw this:
And I wondered: Is that true? If so, I know nothing. But I seek knowledge. Thus I launched my investigation: Which is the true horny emoji face?
Let’s start with the smiling imp and its less traditional brethren.
The Smiling Imp is certainly devilish, and Satan has a place in these sorts of exchanges, so that’s great. That little smile is up to no good. It’s sort of the emoji embodiment of Rihanna, who is maybe the patron saint of Horny Women. Also, it has horns, so it is literally horny.
“Literally horny” might seem a bit on the nose, but if that’s what you’re after, there are still more options. One friend suggested the Japanese Ogre. I don’t fully understand that person’s sex life, but I’m impressed: The ogre suggests a single-minded, id-driven need to get laid, sort of like the Cookie Monster sex-equivalent. And what about the Clown? This emoji expresses an important characteristic of being horny: a desire and willingness to get weird. However, it also cancels out the most important goal of sending a horny face, which is to instill a similar feeling in the recipient. Clowns could also be considered universal boner killers, so that’s the risk you run there, should you choose it. (And if you do, you’re very brave, and I commend you.)
Maybe “monster” isn’t the right move here, though. Too much room for terror. Here is a section of “human expressions” that could potentially express horniness:
First up, this cute li’l guy, The Face With Stuck-Out Tongue. The tongue is out, suggesting a panting sort of “lemme at it” need. But the eyes are so innocent and pure, so eager and happy. This li’l face is just so stoked to be here! Adorable, but perhaps not up to the task at hand. How about the Face With Stuck-Out Tongue and Winking Eye? It expresses a pure lust — again, the lolling tongue — but the winking face adds a sense of derangement, which is cool. Is it enough, though? I might go so far as to suggest the Drooling Face, despite a friend’s suggestion that it makes you “look sort of simple” — because doesn’t lust make simpletons of us all?
Then again, there’s a chance that all of these options are too extreme. In order to properly transmit “horny” across the digital transom and open the portal to IRL sexual activity, perhaps the face should be coy, subtle, and familiar to the point that it edges basic. Like the Hugging Face, a very friendly way of saying, “Hey! get in my arms, it doesn’t have to be weird! We can just cuddle,” or the Winking Face, which says, “Get over here slugger, I’m ready!” or the Thinking Face, which is either says “I’m thinking … thinking about getting it in,” or “Eh, you’ll do.”
No, these are the horny-emoji-face equivalents of the Dad Joke. You’d be better off with the Clown.
Who can decide which is the horniest face! My instincts say the Japanese Ogre because I imagine it saying “sex, sex, I want sex” over and over again, and that’s the basic language of horny, but that’s neither here nor there, because what actually disturbed me about the suggestion that the Smiling Imp is a better horny face than, say, the Drooling Face, is not the choice of emoji, but the idea that there is one right horny emoji for all of us. How you express your horniness is a personal choice unto you — just avoid the Eggplant, because we’re all better than that.