Summer is here! It’s the season for barbecues, pool parties, beach bonfires, clambakes — and this year, impeachment parties! No, of course you aren’t jumping the gun. You’re just squeezing some very small modicum of joy out of your life by pre-celebrating a theoretical day of great revelry, looming in our shared not-so-distant future (maybe, hopefully). After months of lying face-down on the floor enduring the most ignorant, reckless, egomaniacal president ever to take office, we can finally breathe a sigh of relief and bask in the shared hope that eventually this intensely depressing and unprecedented time in American history might draw to a close.
While it’s true that no one knows when impeachment day (say it soft and it’s almost like praying) will roll around, we all need to be prepared. We’ve got to get the ingredients for the impeachment-themed cocktail we’ll serve. (Don’t worry, I’ve come up with a great one, the recipe is below.) We’ll need to make sure our invite lists are up-to-date. But most important, we all need to be ready to shamelessly and bravely cheer the demise of the single worst president in known history. We deserve this little gift to ourselves.
Below, answers to a few of the questions that may arise as you begin to plan.
Q: When will Trump be impeached?
A: Estimates vary. If you believe Fox News, Trump will never, ever be impeached and the hysterical liberals calling for his head will spend eternity ruing the day they chose to take to the streets to stand up for dying children with no health care like the melting snowflakes that they are. If you believe the New York Times and CNN, it’s unlikely that Trump will be impeached anytime soon, since it depends on the willingness of people like Paul Ryan to finally put on big-boy pants and save the Earth from the reckless fumbling of a madman, and wouldn’t making poor people suffer be much more fun? If you believe some of the most popular rumors floating around on Twitter, Trump was impeached last week in a secret underground chamber (code name: Operation Covfefe) run by the Ministry of Magic, the Hall of Justice, and Mark Ruffalo’s second cousin, who is also the Pizza Rat. But forget all of them! Let’s just assume that we’ll need lots of booze and snacks so we can celebrate any minute now.
Q: But isn’t it unseemly to celebrate the fall of a public servant?
A: Public servant? I’m sorry. I’m not sure who you’re talking about.
Q: Isn’t it odd to throw a party on such a sad day in American history?
A: Come on, buddy. Haven’t we earned this? We’ve already collectively suffered through daily news nightmares and been depressed as hell for months now and worried, time and time again, that this hapless fucker was going to get us all killed at any minute. (And yes, this is how black people feel in this country every day of their lives. Take that to heart.) It’s not relaxing to fear for your life and the lives of everyone you love dearly for three months straight, let alone a lifetime. I think we all deserve to drink and dance and feel good about the world for a few hours at least.
Q: What will I serve at my Impeachment Party?
A: You’ll serve The Impeachmint, a cocktail I’ve been testing and perfecting ever since James “Comey Don’t Play That Shit” signaled his intention not to go down without fighting the good fight, replete with multipage memos. (The detail-oriented shall inherit the Earth!) Here’s what you need to make a pitcher:
1/2 bottle of Absolut Apeach (325 ml/12 oz)
3 cans of Kern’s Peach Nectar (36 oz)
2 inch square of ginger root
1-2 bunches of mint
2 peaches, diced
¼ cup of agave
Grate the ginger with a micrograter, into the bottom of a glass pitcher. Add the mint and the diced peaches. Juice the limes and add the juice to the pitcher. Muddle everything together with a wooden spoon, for longer than you can stand. Add the vodka, peach nectar, and agave and stir. Pour out a little and taste it. Too sour? Add more agave. Too sweet? Squeeze more limes in there. Can’t taste the ginger? Add more, or just let it sit in the fridge for a half hour and see where it lands.
I want to strongly suggest making one or two of these to see what proportions you prefer. Just don’t skip the lime or this thing will taste like KoolAid. And please keep in mind that it’s hard to taste that flavored type of booze, so don’t drink too many of these without thinking it through. You don’t want all of your guests to be savoring this moment in American history while you’re out back vomiting into the bushes.
You can also make this with bourbon, tequila, gin, you name it. And yes, Russian vodka does make simple sense, under the circumstances. Ginger is mandatory, for the ginger in chief. And be sure to make a virgin version for the non-drinkers and the drivers and those who want to savor this great day through the stone-cold-sober eyes of justice.
Q: What other cocktails can I make?
A: A Moscow Mule is one obvious Trump-themed choice. Spicey’s Impairment (Pear Absolut, Pear Nectar, mint, jalapeño, lime) is one I’m considering. A “Build Your Own Wall” bar with lots of tequila, limes, and mixers could make sense. Follow your gut!
Q: Should I serve snacks?
Yes. Cheetos and Dumdums are mandatory. Please submit your other original impeachment-themed recipes in the comments below!
Q: Should I just start drinking right now?
I’ll admit that I’ve considered this option. Certainly testing your cocktail is a good move. But listen, you’ve got to keep breathing and keep living your life. This could take a while. Exercise regularly. Lean on your friends. Pull yourself away from the terrible news now and then. Try to remember that you’re not alone. Millions of people feel the same way right now, and this dark moment in our history is going to change our course dramatically. We’ve seen the worst-case scenario and we’re not going back here again, at least not in our lifetimes. We don’t know when this administration is finally going down, but when it goes down, we are going OFF.
Q: Will Trump’s impeachment really fix everything?
A: Asking difficult questions is no way to get into the party mood. Of course impeachment won’t fix everything. But most trusted sources agree that if Trump is removed from office, we’ll end up with a president who is 99 percent less likely to start World War III with a single, reckless tweet. Isn’t that at least a little bit worth celebrating? Then, once the party’s over, we can brace ourselves for a hangover and … Mike Pence. (Hello, Mother.)