I Know How to Push the Button for the Elevator

Elevator stuff.

This is a short message for the men I have previously encountered in elevator banks and those I may encounter in elevator banks in the future:

I know how to push the button for the elevator.

What? Why am I telling you this? Well, I’ve sensed doubt from some of you. I want you to rest assured, however, that I have never failed at the task of pushing the button for the elevator before, and I don’t plan to start failing now.

I’ve got this.

In fact, I demonstrated my ability to push the button for the elevator just this morning. When I walked into the elevator bank in my office building, I pushed the button, and — bingo — the indicator light went on. As I was waiting for the elevator to arrive, however, the man waiting next to me seemed to grow agitated. He looked around for another sign that the elevator was on its way, and found none. Then he looked at me, the person he had seen push the button for the elevator, and he made a little sound like, hrrmpf. Then he walked right up to the button and pushed it again.

Unnecessary. And, honestly, rude. But maybe this man, who was wearing an interesting sportcoat, did not know that I know how to push the button for the elevator. So once and for all, I’ll say it: I do.

I don’t mean to pick on sportcoat guy, specifically. Before him, I have encountered several of you who have questioned my ability to push the button for the elevator. Until now, I have remained silent, hoping that, one day, my perfect record of pushing the elevator button correctly would speak for itself.

Now I’m tired of waiting. Listen to what I’m telling you, take a good look at my face, and adjust your mental files accordingly.

The next time I see one of you in an elevator bank, at my office building or anywhere else, prepare to relax. I’m going to push the button for the elevator, and the elevator is going to travel to our floor to pick us up. You can just enjoy your 15 seconds of nothing. Bing.

I Know How to Push the Button for the Elevator