This Week in Drama: Drake vs. Josh, Spicer Fat-Shamed, and the Great CIA Snack Scandal

L to R: Drake Bell, Sean Spicer, a vending machine.

Every week brings such an overwhelming onslaught of news that sometimes the most entertaining bits can fall through the cracks. Here, we’ll recap the pettiest squabbles, juiciest feuds, and other niche drama you didn’t know you were living for.

Drake vs. Josh

Since Nickelodeon’s Drake and Josh went off the air in 2007, stars Drake Bell and Josh Bell have both gotten significantly more attractive … and apparently become enemies. Let’s unpack this.

After Josh’s wedding photos went up, Drake sent some subtweets about how pissed he was that he wasn’t invited. “When you’re not invited to the wedding the message is clear …” he wrote, adding, “True colors have come out today. Message is loud and clear. Ties officially cut. I’ll miss you brotha.”

Also, shortly after the ties were officially cut and the tweets officially deleted, Drake promoted his Flaunt magazine spread — and he looks so comically chiseled, it’s like a piece of Drake and Josh fan art come to life.

Back to the feud: Josh publicly responded, telling Us Weekly that Drake never even texted him back to congratulate him on his engagement in the first place, which, rude.

Also, we can finally rest now that we know exactly what the Drake and Josh story line would’ve looked like had it never been canceled.

Steve Bannon Called Sean Spicer Fat

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer is constantly being burned by his colleagues, and this week was no different. The Atlantic attempted to get answers as to why more and more daily press briefings have been moved off camera, and here’s what they found.

Asked why the briefings are now routinely held off-camera, White House chief strategist Steve Bannon said in a text message “Sean got fatter,” and did not respond to a follow-up.

All right, Steve: Pot, kettle, you know.

Chelsea Clinton, however, wasn’t having any of this “fat-shaming,” and weighed in on Twitter:

I think it’s safe to say that you don’t have to take anyone’s side here.

Someone in Canada Stole a Toe

Here’s a little story that gives you an idea of how they do drama in Yukon, Canada: Dawson City police launched an investigation over the weekend when a patron stole a mummified toe that’s served in a famous, gimmicky drink at the local downtown hotel.

“We are furious,” hotel employee Terry Lee told the Guardian. “Toes are very hard to come by.”

A few days later, the thief called to say that he was mailing it back and — you guessed it — to apologize.

Health Bloggers Take On the American Heart Association Over Coconut Oil

The wellness world erupted into chaos this week when the American Heart Association released a study about fats and cardiovascular health that revealed that coconut oil is actually one of the least healthy fats to use in cooking. Bloggers immediately took to their Instagram accounts to promote every excuse under the sun in an effort to defend the honor of their beloved coconut oil. These coconut-oil conspiracy theories included:

• These American Heart Association studies are funded by the fat cats who want to see coconuts burn.
• The American Heart Association employs a bunch of dummies.
• Saturated fat is not actually bad for you.

Please pray for the world’s wellness enthusiasts during this time of intense turmoil.

CIA Contractors Were Fired for Stealing Snacks

The most dramatic thing to ever happen at the Cut’s offices involved a soda vending machine: One person got upset at another person for putting a paper towel in the slot where the soda comes out, and left an angry note about wasting paper. Whoever put the paper towel there responded with a note of their own, kicking off a full-on passive-aggressive note feud the likes of which you haven’t seen since sophomore year of college. Given the vending machine’s ability for stirring up shit, it’s not surprising that CIA contractors found themselves smack in the middle of a vending-machine-snack scandal this week.

According to documents obtained by BuzzFeed News, several CIA contractors rigged a vending machine to dispense free snacks between 2012 and 2013. When managers found out that they were stealing bags of stale Lay’s chips, they were promptly fired, forced to take their evil genius elsewhere.

Girl vs. Her Leftist-Podcast-Loving Boyfriend

Ladies, we’ve all been there: You’re getting down with a gentle and generous lover, but as soon as he finishes he starts referencing leftist podcasts (“I MAY not BE the state of Wisconsin, but I f*cked you good”). Thus is the familiar plight of one poor Reddit user, whose boyfriend of five years is “obsessed with podcasts” and thinks she’s “shallow and bourgeois” for wanting him to contribute something — literally anything! — to their shared life.

Unfortunately, anytime she suggests he’s not meeting her emotional needs, he descends into political ranting, effectively escaping responsibility. It’s kind of a genius tactic … almost as genius as running a notoriously unpopular candidate for president, not campaigning in swing states, and still expecting to win the presidency (see what I did there?).

There’s a pretty good chance this story is fake, but the moral is still clear: Don’t date a guy who screams “Bernie Sanders doesn’t do the dishes” when you ask him to help with chores.

Catch up on previous drama here.

This Week in Drama: Drake vs. Josh, Bannon Fat-Shames Spicer