Every week brings such an overwhelming onslaught of news that sometimes the most entertaining bits can fall through the cracks. Here, we’ll recap the pettiest squabbles, juiciest feuds, and other niche drama you didn’t know you were living for.
The Man Who Got His Penis Stuck in a Weight at the Gym
Masculinity is a baffling construct, one that often raises more questions than it can answer. For instance: why would someone put his penis inside the hole of a weight at the gym? This is something we were forced to ponder when a man in Worms, Germany reportedly did exactly that. When even the local hospital couldn’t help out, firefighters were called and “used angle grinders, a saw, and a hydraulic rescue device to break the weight.” So not into this gritty reboot of American Pie.
The Rogue Lawn Pooper
Anyone who’s run long distances can tell you that sometimes, ahem, gastrointestinal distress strikes when you’re out on the road, miles away from home. But this doesn’t seem to be a viable excuse for the Colorado woman dubbed “The Mad Pooper.” A family has found waste from someone defecating on their lawn at least once a week for about seven weeks, KKTV reports. They’ve also witnessed her in the act:
Cathy Budde says her kids caught her first mid-squat, pants down and unashamed.
“They are like, ‘There’s a lady taking a poop!’ So I come outside, and I’m like … ‘are you serious?’” Budde recalled. “‘Are you really taking a poop right here in front of my kids!?’ She’s like, ‘Yeah, sorry!’”
Nevertheless, she persisted…
“I put a sign on the wall that’s like ‘please, I’m begging you, please stop.’ … She ran by it like 15 times yesterday, and she still pooped,” Budde admits, defeated.
A mystery for the ages.
Mariah Carey Sued by Christmas-Choir Singers
Mariah Carey, a regular connoisseur of drama, makes an appearance in our column this week over a lawsuit that alleges she didn’t pay Christmas-choir singers. TMZ reports that, in 2016, she hired a group called Broadway Inspirational Voices for nine shows. Carey then went in “another direction with regard to the choir” and now allegedly owes them $70,000.
And here’s a bit of bonus Mariah Carey drama for this installment: Remember that botched New Year’s Eve performance? Over nine months later, it rears its ugly head again, with Ryan Seacrest defending his production team — which Carey had blamed — and saying that he found “it hard to believe they made big mistakes that night.” We look forward to reliving this well into 2018.
The Dick Drawing in the Kids’ Cartoon
Maya the Bee — a children’s television show about an anthropomorphic bee — found itself in the center of a scandal this week when a parent spotted a dick drawn on a tree in the background of a scene. To be clear, the penis drawing appears for a split second, is barely visible, and absolutely no child watching would have been able to notice it. But one mom named Chey Robinson did, her Facebook post about it went viral, and Netflix ended up pulling the episode. The creators of the show, Studio 100 Animation, released a statement saying that “the origin of this image obviously results from a very bad joke from one of the 150 artists working on the production.” We just want to know: who drew the dick?
Water vs. Gatorade
In one corner of this fight we have Gatorade, which your hungover college self relied on for four years. In the other corner we have water, which is, uh, necessary for human survival. The showdown? Gatorade used their free mobile game Bolt! to claim that they were superior to H2O and that water will hinder athletic performance.
The premise of the game was to help Olympian Usain Bolt reach the finish line in a race. Per CNBC, “the sprinter picks up speed when he hits Gatorade icons and slows when he runs into water. Players are encouraged to ‘keep your performance high and avoid water.’”
California Attorney General Xavier Becerra filed a false advertising complaint against the sports drink company on Wednesday. By Thursday, “Gatorade quickly reached a settlement in which it agreed to pay $300,000 and promised not to badmouth water.” Yeah, Glacier Freeze, keep water’s name out of your damn mouth.
Catch up on previous drama here.