Every week brings such an overwhelming onslaught of news, that sometimes the most entertaining bits can fall through the cracks. Here, we’ll recap the pettiest squabbles, juiciest feuds, and other niche drama you didn’t know you were living for.
‘Love’ Declared Not a Real Ingredient
The most controversial thing about granola is the staggering amount of sugar it contains even though it masquerades as a healthy breakfast choice. Or so we thought. This week, a new scandal emerged involving the crunchy favorite and the Feds.
Nashoba Brook Bakery – a small local establishment in Concord, Massachusetts — lists “love” as one of their handmade granola’s ingredients. A little corny, sure, but generally harmless. Not according to the FDA, which delivered the following warning:
Your Nashoba Granola label lists ingredient “Love.” Ingredients required to be declared on the label or labeling of food must be listed by their common or usual name. “Love” is not a common or usual name of an ingredient, and is considered to be intervening material because it is not part of the common or usual name of the ingredient.
Nashoba CEO John Gates called the move “so George Orwell” — though we’re pretty sure Big Brother was more of a Kashi Good Friends guy.
The Soccer-Mom-Group-Chat Troll
When we accidentally get added to a group chat, our tactic is usually to text something like “hiiiiii I think you have the wrong number” and pray they remove us quickly. Not one brave Illinois woman named Christi Rantis Lally, who got added to a group text for soccer-mom coordination and really ran with it. After texting things like “my kid is the best on the team … just sayin” and “Cristiano Ronaldo literally told me that my child reminded him of himself when he was younger … the proof is in the pudding (and btw pudding cups are not acceptable snacks),” the other moms became incensed and threatened to speak with “Coach Juan” about the issue.
She told ABC11 that she fessed up and blocked the other numbers, but one of the participant’s husbands started to send her threatening calls after the fact. Really makes us nostalgic for the days of orange slices and not scoring a single goal during our entire six years of playing rec soccer.
The Alleged Poetry Plagiarist
Poet and W.W. Norton editor Jill Bialosky is being accused of plagiarism, a charge that is always embarrassing but even more so when you’re accused of pulling from Wikipedia. The New York Times reports that critic William Logan accused Bialosky of ripping off the online encyclopedia and two poetry websites in her memoir Poetry Will Save Your Life. “William Logan has extracted a few ancillary and limited phrases from my 222-page memoir that inadvertently include fragments of prior common biographical sources and tropes after a multiyear writing process,” Bialosky responded. “This should not distract from the thesis of this book, which derives from my own life, my experiences and observations.” And possibly Wikipedia. Big week for poetry, huh?
The Dads Mad About Onesies
If you thought soccer moms were only drama-ridden parental group out there, we’d like to introduce you to the dads of Reddit, who this week were whipped into a frenzy over the existence of a onesie. More specifically, this onesie:
The mad dads of Reddit pointed out that the onesie reinforced stereotypes about dads as lazy and inept in the face of childrearing responsibilities. “[It’s] not so much that we’re thought of as babysitters, but as overgrown children ourselves,” one user wrote. “Thinking that we are barely capable of caring for ourselves, let alone our own children.” While the soft bigotry of low expectations is a crucial cog in the patriarchal machine, I think we can all agree that what’s most offensive about this onesie is how ugly it is.
House Hunters: Copyright Infringement Edition
While innate Canadian politeness does make it more difficult to be petty, it doesn’t make it impossible — as indicated by a current ongoing house dispute in a wealthy neighborhood in Toronto. Jason and Jodi Chapnik are suing their neighbors for copying the design of their house and renovating a nearby property to look exactly like theirs. “A tremendous amount of skill, effort, time, judgment, care (and money) was spent across nearly seven years in terms of designing, architecting and building a unique and beautiful house,” the Chapniks said in a statement. “The events that occurred in relation to the house on Vesta Drive were incredibly distressing.”
Imagine having the boundless reservoirs of time, money, and pettiness it takes to sue your neighbor for making their mansion look like your mansion. Who says Canada is a progressive paradise?
The Real Housewives of Atlantic Bug Beef
To close out this week’s drama, let’s return to the natural world’s most reliable source: the Real Housewives franchise. This week, Nene Leakes called her former best friend’s daughter, Brielle Biermann, a “fake ass” Kylie Jenner after Biermann implied in a selfie caption that Leakes’ house had roaches.
“”We don’t have roaches! If you found 1, u brought it with u or it fell outta yo funky pu**y!” Nene responded.
In a world full of wannabe drama queens, it’s comforting to know that the Housewives are still the originals.
Catch up on previous drama here.